PUBLISHED IN MAXIM, August, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Remember the days when a naked woman was enough to get you off. If she was willing, that’s all the arousal you ever needed. You knew what went where. Insert tab A into slot B and almost everyone walked away happy. But times have changed. There’s some weird shit out there. We’re not judging, but it seems there is a wide variety of arousal inducing stimuli. And when a stimuli is way out of what experts without Phds call “normal people’s sexy zone”, it becomes a fetish. We think it’s time you knew about them. The opportunity may arise when you might have to put some of this into practice to please your better half. And if you don’t know what you’re doing, you might land up with a foot in your mouth. Literally. So, hold on to your gonads, S&M and Bondage pale in comparison to these. Let us begin.
Plushophilia: If you walk into a house and see a stuffed Winnie-the-pooh with a violated look on his face, that’s the first sign that the owner is a Plusho.And it’s not just Winnie. It could be Bambi. Garfield. Or even a smurf. Defined as the unnatural attraction towards stuffed animals, you might want to know how exactly does one do the nasty with a teddy bear. Well, considering that none of them are objecting, anything goes. And the best part is, no dinner required and they’re not going to compare you to earlier lovers.
Formicophilia: Recipe: 1 or more creepy crawlies. 1 naked person. 1 video camera because this stuff will be a guaranteed hit on Youtube. Formicophilia is the act of getting your jollies from insects crawling on your genitals. So, what you do is get yourself a bunch of ants and put them where the sun don’t shine. The arousal derived from the insects crawling or even nibbling on the genitals is out of this world. And right on planet crazy. So if you’re ever wondering what a praying mantis is always imploring. It’s for shit like this not to happen to it.
Apotemnophilia: The erotic interest in being an amputee. Alrighty then. Even we have a couple of questions here. Does this mean that you can only get an orgasm four times considering the limited number of limbs we humans have? Wouldn’t it be funny if you cut off everything and then realized you should have kept a hand to do the dirty deed? No? Ok. Moving on. Apotemnophilia has a close sister called Acrotomophilia, where one wants to jump into the sack with an amputee. Which is a lot less painful for the person with the fetish we think.
Spectrophilia: If you wanted a deeply spiritual sexual experience, it doesn’t get better than Spectrophilia. Ghost Sex. We can’t imagine how much fun that could be considering ghosts don’t really have genitalia. Or any other body part to speak of for that matter. To imagine that they called in a psychic to get rid of the ghost in Poltergeist. All the spookie wanted was a lil nookie. Evidence of Spectrophilia can be seen in night clubs all over the nation. If you notice someone in the corner gyrating by themselves, pelvic thrusts and everything, they’re probably doing Casper.
PS: we checked the rule book: you’re still a virgin even if you’ve done it with a ghost.
Nasophilia: There are a couple of plus points with doing it in the nose. Yeah, you read right. In the nose. Number one: You can’t get anyone pregnant. Number two: Well, there’s no number two. That’s all we got. On the flip side, you’re never going to find someone with big enough nostrils except Om Puri. And if you do manage to go through with the act, you could probably kill someone. And nobody wants their epitaph to read “death by penis in the nose”.
Macrophilia: The bigger the better. Macrophilia is the attraction to large people. And we’re not talking about big-boned people. We’re looking at giants here, like Miss Gulliver. One of the lousier fetishes to be stuck with, there’s nothing much to work with here. Sure there’s the ginormous boobies, but other than using them as ski slopes or to plug in the hole in the ozone layer, we don’t really see the point. And how do you propose to satisfy the said giantess? You’ll need one hell of a magical enlargement pump.
Hybristophilia: Also called the Bonny and Clyde syndrome, Hybristophilia is the attraction to people who have committed crimes. We don’t see this as a unique fetish, because if you’re in jail, a lot of your friends in there might already find you pretty damn attractive. Also, there must be some sort of benchmark for the kind of crime committed, correlated to the attraction. The 3G scam guys can’t possibly get a truck load of non-jail nookie. Perhaps you need to hold up a bank or something. And not one of ‘em cooperative banks. A private bank with many ATMs and online banking.
Dacryphilia: This is a fun one. Make em cry, and you’re on your way to happy town down there. As a part of BDSM, it involves one person witnessing the other in emotional distress. So, just put on a Van Damme movie, wait for the flood gates to open and you’re good to go. Other ways to do it are to admit that you wipe your hands to the curtain. Or simple say “Did you eat my girlfriend because I swear you were thinner yesterday”.
Mechanophilia: Oooh yeah MH01 J 2431… is that an exhaust pipe right there or are you just happy to see me? What? The minivan? That meant nothing to me. It was just physical. A one time thing. The attraction to automobiles is not that strange when you come to think of it. Every guy has given their bike or car a sexy girl’s name like Betsy. Or Matilda. Whisper sweet nothing to make her run right. Given her a little tap on the rear to make her know she’s cared about. It’s only when you rub your piston against her petrol tank, that things get outta whack.
Phalloorchoalgolagnia –might as well slap a picture of Osama down there. As if spelling the damn thing wasn’t painful enough Phalloorchoalgolagniacs like to get hit, squeezed, kicked, pinched, poked, pierced, flicked, bit down there. More pain, more gain, the intense soreness is supposed to heighten the sexual pleasure. With whatever is left of your mini punching bag of course.
Vorarephilia: Some people like being nibbled on the ears. Then there are others who like being eaten whole. Vorarephilia is a sexual fetish where arousal occurs from the idea of being eaten alive. We’re not sure of the technicalities here, but perhaps you need to marinate yourself first for at least 24 hours. A little ginger garlic paste maybe. Some lime. Salt to taste. And French beans for roughage. While the fantasy may or nay not include digestion, imagine having a whole person in you. Fidgeting around the whole day when you’re trying to get some work done. Isn’t that how hernias occur?
Sitophilia: The attraction to food may seem normal to some. Licking some whipped cream of a body. Playing with cherries. But what about eating a whole meal? Some of us don’t put veggies in our mouths… why on earth put it on our body! That’s just revolting! Other Sitophiliacs also like their partners to interact with the food a bit more. For example, mash potatoes with their feet, and then stick their thingies in it. Why someone would try to impregnate a potato, beats us. Others also like to dabble in cocktails after their partners add their own personal ‘ingredients’. That’s one nasty way to temper the taste.