THE FEAR OF EVERYTHING

A column I do for the local paper oHeraldo.

INVENTIONS WE CAN’T WAIT TO SEE

 Technology is moving at a pace faster than you can get your pants off in front of a naked woman. Things only imaginable in movies are already available to the public. Phones that at like your personal assistant. Porn at a click of a button.Dead celebrities coming back to perform as holograms. There’s nothing you can rule out as incredulous anymore. That’s why we’ve come up with our list of inventions that we can’t wait to see out there. And while they might seem bizarre, remember, this is the 21^st century and impossible has been rendered obsolete.

THE DREAM SEQUENCER

Another one on the Maxim wish list. Here’s how it’s supposed to work. You feed in what you would like your dreams to involve, broadly. While you drift into REM sleep, the sequencer takes over. In Maxim scientific terminology, the Dream Sequencer would then control the neurons effecting the neurotransmitter signals to the brain as well as other stuff that we’re too lazy to read off wiki. End result – we can dream all the sex stuff we want, on demand!  It’s your brain… anything goes. And if you’re still getting shot down by the office hottie in your own head, there’s no way we can help you. You agreed to the terms and conditions. No refunds.

 THE TELEPORTER

Nobody’s figured it out as yet, but you never know. While most people would waste one end of the teleporting machine by placing it at the work place, we think that’s a humungous waste of this precious gift. Why the hell would you want to get to work faster? We say place one end next to your bed. The other next to the fridge. Roll out, grab a beer, roll back in in. As long as you don’t merge with the beer on reverse teleportation, like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly. Although, on second thought, a guy-beer hybrid would be another cool idea. We should really patent this stuff before somebody else does.

THE TV GRABITECH

If you thought taping your favourite shows or forwarding through commercials was brilliant, the TV Grabitech will blow your mind. We were leaning towards the name ‘TV Grabber’, but Grabitech makes it sound like there’s some uber-cool technology involved. See something you like on TV – just grab it from the screen! Like what Nigella Lawson is cooking, grab a bite. Heck, you can grab Nigella if you like. Move the desk in front of ArnabGoswami to see if he’s really wearing pants behind there. Or simply flick Celine Dion’s forehead just to piss the shit outta her. Screw 3D. This is interactive TV at it’s best.

THE WOMAN INTERPRETER

Like ear-buds, they fit into your ears. And voila, it’s like we’re speaking the same language.  We’ll finally be able to understand what they’re saying. Especially when they say things like “Yes”, “No”, or “You don’t hang out with my friends enough.” Which, strangely enough, means, “I think we should get married.” The next time she sends you out to bring something from the store, you will come back with exactly what she wanted! Through the simple process of hearing, interpreting and executing. You can now say goodbye to ambiguity thanks to the Woman Interpreter. 

PORKUN

It’s only a matter of time till it happens. They already have a liger. But eating a mix of a lion and a tiger might get the PETA boys a little pissed off. So here’s the plan. Pork and mutton – porkun. And we’re pretty sure our geneticists can figure it out. Just get the pig and the sheep in the same room, barn, whatever. A few candles around. Some soft Barry White in the background. A little farm nookie and what do we get? The best of both meats all wrapped up in one freak of nature. Mmmmm… Kentuky Fried Porkun. Remember, you heard it here first.

THE INVISIBILITY CLOAK

 If you’re thinking of sneaking into the girls changing room, well… nyeh. Too clichéd. We’re thinking of turning it up a notch. We’re real men. We could get all the naked girls we want. But how about free gas at the pump, considering petrol costs as much as rocket fuel now. Or even when your girlfriend’s husband comes home.  No more roughing it out in the closet or risking the 20ft jump from the window with a boner. Just put on the invisibility cloak and waltz out after helping yourself to some of his beer.

THE DECISIONATOR

It’s your personal robot that comes back from the future to stop you from doing questionable things in the present. He could be just like the Terminator but without the Austrian accent. So you’re in a committed relationship, yet find yourself in a naked situation with another girl. The Decisionater comes back just in time and terminates your wife / girlfriend to make what you’re doing absolutely moral. Of course he could just pull you out of the compromising situation but that depends on what settings the Decisionator is on. Suppose you’re out with the gang and probably had too much to drink. Your favourite song comes up and you decide that you’re going to bust out the moves. The Decisionator would break your legs leaving you with your dignity. He’s like the best friend who you never have to pick up the tab for.

THE TORRENT FRIDGE

Sometimes you can buy the movie for free. And some people, we don’t know who these fiends are, download them for free through torrents. The Torrent fridge is the same thing, but with food. You want a rack of spare ribs? Do a search, and download one from the best source. Nobody likes them bootleg dishes. Depending on your Ingredient Service Provider, download speeds may vary. All you need to do is queue up food before you head to work. Come back to your fridge and tadaa! And be a good soul and leave your fridge on for others to download from. Preferably stocked with something that doesn’t have fuzzy stuff growing out of it and it’s own ecosystem.

THE BARRY WHITENER

Women love men who can sing. A great voice can pick up the slack of your looks. But not all of us have a voice that can melt a heart and undress a woman. That’s where the Barry Whitener comes in. It’s a small box that hangs around your neck with several options at your disposal. Need to have her swooning, hit the switch on to Barry White and let the sexual healing commence. And the best part is you can change the voice to your preference. Need to sound local? Turn it to Sonu Nigam. A voice that’s high on mushrooms? Set it to Anu Malik. Courting a young lesbian? Now you can sound like a teenage girl with the Bieber setting. With 120 voices available, you will be spoilt for choice.

THE PROXY THINNER

This nifty invention will be the end to our biggest nemesis. Exercise. It’s an armour of sorts that lets you exercise by proxy. Available in pairs, you and a willing buddy need to suit up simultaneously.  Next, while your pal runs around the block, building muscle and burning fat, you reap all the benefits. Off set the bacon you’re devouring by sending your best friend to the gym. What are friends for if they can’t gift you a sick pack and a few triceps while you help yourself to a burger? Choose your friends wisely just in case they ask for the favour to be returned. Remember, a friend with a treadmill is a friend indeed.

SIRIBRO

It’s an app on your phone that’s your own personal bro. Unlike apple’s Siri, this one will actually be able to understand what you’re saying and even perform voice commands! Crazy huh? But more importantly it will perform all the functions that a bro should. Sending a drunk text? SiriBro will filter it or defer sending it till the following morning. Wearing questionable clothes, the app will intervene with“ Bro, leave the bell bottoms back in the 70s”. Hitting on a friend’s girl? SiriBro, will taze the head that you’re thinking with. Because that’s what bros do. Look out for other bros.  

PUBLISHED IN MAXIM, August 2012, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

ANIMAL LOST

OK, i'd really appreciate it if you guys would stop reminding me about how much worse i'm getting at this.

FETISHES THAT MAKE YOU GO WTF!

PUBLISHED IN MAXIM, August, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Remember the days when a naked woman was enough to get you off. If she was willing, that’s all the arousal you ever needed. You knew what went where. Insert tab A into slot B and almost everyone walked away happy. But times have changed. There’s some weird shit out there. We’re not judging, but it seems there is a wide variety of arousal inducing stimuli. And when a stimuli is way out of what experts without Phds call “normal people’s sexy zone”, it becomes a fetish. We think it’s time you knew about them. The opportunity may arise when you might have to put some of this into practice to please your better half. And if you don’t know what you’re doing, you might land up with a foot in your mouth. Literally. So, hold on to your gonads, S&M and Bondage pale in comparison to these. Let us begin.

Plushophilia: If you walk into a house and see a stuffed Winnie-the-pooh with a violated look on his face, that’s the first sign that the owner is a Plusho.And it’s not just Winnie. It could be Bambi. Garfield. Or even a smurf. Defined as the unnatural attraction towards stuffed animals, you might want to know how exactly does one do the nasty with a teddy bear. Well, considering that none of them are objecting, anything goes. And the best part is, no dinner required and they’re not going to compare you to earlier lovers.

Formicophilia: Recipe: 1 or more creepy crawlies. 1 naked person. 1 video camera because this stuff will be a guaranteed hit on Youtube. Formicophilia is the act of getting your jollies from insects crawling on your genitals. So, what you do is get yourself a bunch of ants and put them where the sun don’t shine. The arousal derived from the insects crawling or even nibbling on the genitals is out of this world. And right on planet crazy. So if you’re ever wondering what a praying mantis is always imploring. It’s for shit like this not to happen to it.

Apotemnophilia: The erotic interest in being an amputee. Alrighty then. Even we have a couple of questions here. Does this mean that you can only get an orgasm four times considering the limited number of limbs we humans have? Wouldn’t it be funny if you cut off everything and then realized you should have kept a hand to do the dirty deed? No? Ok. Moving on. Apotemnophilia has a close sister called Acrotomophilia, where one wants to jump into the sack with an amputee. Which is a lot less painful for the person with the fetish we think.

Spectrophilia: If you wanted a deeply spiritual sexual experience, it doesn’t get better than Spectrophilia. Ghost Sex. We can’t imagine how much fun that could be considering ghosts don’t really have genitalia. Or any other body part to speak of for that matter. To imagine that they called in a psychic to get rid of the ghost in Poltergeist. All the spookie wanted was a lil nookie. Evidence of Spectrophilia can be seen in night clubs all over the nation. If you notice someone in the corner gyrating by themselves, pelvic thrusts and everything, they’re probably doing Casper.

PS: we checked the rule book: you’re still a virgin even if you’ve done it with a ghost.

Nasophilia: There are a couple of plus points with doing it in the nose. Yeah, you read right. In the nose. Number one: You can’t get anyone pregnant. Number two: Well, there’s no number two. That’s all we got. On the flip side, you’re never going to find someone with big enough nostrils except Om Puri. And if you do manage to go through with the act, you could probably kill someone. And nobody wants their epitaph to read “death by penis in the nose”.

Macrophilia: The bigger the better. Macrophilia is the attraction to large people. And we’re not talking about big-boned people. We’re looking at giants here, like Miss Gulliver. One of the lousier fetishes to be stuck with, there’s nothing much to work with here. Sure there’s the ginormous boobies, but other than using them as ski slopes or to plug in the hole in the ozone layer, we don’t really see the point. And how do you propose to satisfy the said giantess? You’ll need one hell of a magical enlargement pump.

Hybristophilia: Also called the Bonny and Clyde syndrome, Hybristophilia is the attraction to people who have committed crimes. We don’t see this as a unique fetish, because if you’re in jail, a lot of your friends in there might already find you pretty damn attractive. Also, there must be some sort of benchmark for the kind of crime committed, correlated to the attraction. The 3G scam guys can’t possibly get a truck load of non-jail nookie. Perhaps you need to hold up a bank or something. And not one of ‘em cooperative banks. A private bank with many ATMs and online banking.

Dacryphilia: This is a fun one. Make em cry, and you’re on your way to happy town down there. As a part of BDSM, it involves one person witnessing the other in emotional distress. So, just put on a Van Damme movie, wait for the flood gates to open and you’re good to go. Other ways to do it are to admit that you wipe your hands to the curtain. Or simple say “Did you eat my girlfriend because I swear you were thinner yesterday”.

Mechanophilia: Oooh yeah MH01 J 2431… is that an exhaust pipe right there or are you just happy to see me? What? The minivan? That meant nothing to me. It was just physical. A one time thing. The attraction to automobiles is not that strange when you come to think of it. Every guy has given their bike or car a sexy girl’s name like Betsy. Or Matilda. Whisper sweet nothing to make her run right. Given her a little tap on the rear to make her know she’s cared about. It’s only when you rub your piston against her petrol tank, that things get outta whack.

Phalloorchoalgolagnia –might as well slap a picture of Osama down there. As if spelling the damn thing wasn’t painful enough Phalloorchoalgolagniacs like to get hit, squeezed, kicked, pinched, poked, pierced, flicked, bit down there. More pain, more gain, the intense soreness is supposed to heighten the sexual pleasure. With whatever is left of your mini punching bag of course.

Vorarephilia: Some people like being nibbled on the ears. Then there are others who like being eaten whole. Vorarephilia is a sexual fetish where arousal occurs from the idea of being eaten alive. We’re not sure of the technicalities here, but perhaps you need to marinate yourself first for at least 24 hours. A little ginger garlic paste maybe. Some lime. Salt to taste. And French beans for roughage. While the fantasy may or nay not include digestion, imagine having a whole person in you. Fidgeting around the whole day when you’re trying to get some work done. Isn’t that how hernias occur?

Sitophilia: The attraction to food may seem normal to some. Licking some whipped cream of a body. Playing with cherries. But what about eating a whole meal? Some of us don’t put veggies in our mouths… why on earth put it on our body! That’s just revolting! Other Sitophiliacs also like their partners to interact with the food a bit more. For example, mash potatoes with their feet, and then stick their thingies in it. Why someone would try to impregnate a potato, beats us. Others also like to dabble in cocktails after their partners add their own personal ‘ingredients’. That’s one nasty way to temper the taste.

HELP

Can someone help me design this blog? I am really bad at this.
Anybody?
I will part with my wine, beer, fancy cheese and Ferrero Rocher if you do.

SPAMMERS - WHAT ARE THEY SMOKING?

PUBLISHED IN MAXIM, July 2011, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Spammers. The crazy guys that are trying to sell us a better sex life and a Rolex. It's perhaps one of the most stressful and difficult jobs on the planet. Right up there with air- traffic control guys and stool sample collector. First you've got to think of a catchy name to send the mail from.
Like Dr Longtime Love. Or Mum. A name that would pique the interest of the reader to check out the subject. The title of the mail then has to give the reader a little more to bite. Old-school spammers tried out the allure of money and sex with subjects like "lots of money - for free" or "free nude pics of Margaret Thatcher". But the new generation spammers have just lost the plot. In fact we've even got mails asking if we'd like to "increase our mortgage by two inches". Maybe it's the stress of coming up with novel ways to market whatever it is they're selling. Or maybe their weed dealer is short-changing them. Either ways, if you're ever having a bad day at work, or feel like doing weird things to your manhood / womanhood… CHECK YOUR SPAM. It's a goldmine of entertainment. Here are a couple of real spam subjects. Let's see what these schmucks are trying to tell us.

STIR UP A PASSION IN HER HEART WITH YOUR MAGIC WAND.

There's a small flaw here. You can't really stir with a wand. You can make a bunny appear though. But they'll just put you to shame with their humping techniques and that's not going to do anybody any good. Perhaps what they should have said was - Stir up a passion in her heart with your magic wooden ladle. Or make a good salad at least because there’s nothing like keeping yourself healthy while you’re doing nasty things with your
human cutlery.

HUGE LOVEMAKER HAS BECOME UNBELIEVABLY REAL

These guy are working under the assumption that our love-maker wasn't real before. Like the tooth-fairy or insurance claims, it's a myth, The stuff that dreams are made of. Some men fantasize about owning a yacht. Other work hard towards getting their very own twinkie. The best part is, now your office won't have a problem with you touching yourself at your desk because, hey, it ain't there!

YOU'RE NEW JOYSTICK SCORES MORE

Here's where it gets a bit confusing. First they're telling us it's imaginary. And now they say he's playing a game down there. And something they're offering is going to help him win. Don't get us wrong, we want him to win. But it might help if we just knew what the hell he's playing. And what are the rules? Is it a team sport? Does he have to test for dope? There's a good ball joke here dying to be told… but we'll stay away from it.

GET YOUR ONLINE DOCTORATE IN MEDICINE NOW
Is this thing legit? If the internet guys do manage to give out doctorates...makes you wonder doesn't it. The guy standing over you with a scalpel... did he pass out of www.surgery-for-dummies.com? Why is the surgeon googling stuff on his phone? What does he mean his Bypass App ain't working?

DON'T WASTE YOUR LIFE WITH YOUR RIGHT HAND

Now just hold on a minute. What are they trying to say about righty? Is he not trust- worthy? It's the good-for-nothing hand? The one that mother warned us about? We can't really walk out on our right hand can we? Sure ol' lefty will always be by our side. But the other one's been there through good times and bad. Those days when we couldn't sleep. The times when 'she' has her scheduled headaches. Or when you saw those lesbians make-out at the club. Don't worry Mr. Right. You're number one in our books.

YOU HAVE INHERITED 150,000 DOLLARS

This one's a beauty, They mail you saying that there's this guy in Nigeria who died and his moolah has gone to the bank. And hello hello, he has the same surname as you. So it's really simple, all you have to do is send them some money as processing fees, your bank account details and they'll get the money out under the pretext that you're a long lost relative. And they'll split it with you of course... 50-50. Now let's analyse this. There's a dead Nigerian who has the same Indian surname as you. Sounds a wee bit fishy doesn't it. But Watambe and Maturdas are almost alike. Then he has a plan to get the money out. And all he needs is a little money and your bank account details. Fair enough. And he wants to split it 50-50. There you go. That's your clue that this is a rip-off. Who would want to split it. Now if he said 60-40 we would have probably gone ahead with it.

SUPERSIZE YOUR LITTLE BABYMAKER

We'd really wish they'd stop calling it little. Besides we make up for it with enthusiasm anyway. Moving on, what's nice here is the fast-food touch that they've incorporated. Yes, supersize it and a large coke with fries please. And take-away. We'd like to carry it around. You never know when the urge to make a baby might arise. When you're at immigration at the airport. Or when you're scuba-diving. Wham, you feel like making a
baby. No fear, the supersized procreator is here.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE JUST WON THE LOTTERY!

Yup, you have won 1 million dollars! So why don't you give us a couple of bucks so we can send the money to you. You know, because we spent all the cash we had organising the damn lottery thing. But congratulations once again. Ok, there's a simple formula here of figuring out whether this is a scam or not. Have you bought a lottery ticket lately? No? Chances are, you didn't win it then. Trust us, we ran the numbers and they keep coming
up with the same answers. You can't win the lottery if you didn't participate in the lottery. It's one of those freaky laws of nature. Go Figure.

HELP THIS POOR UKRAINIAN GIRL IF YOU HAVE A HEART.

This one doesn't solicit money but it just annoys the f@&* out of us. There's a girl. In Ukraine. And she has no shoes. And for every person you forward this mail to, Microsoft will donate one dollar to the Ukranian Girl Shoe Fund. Also known as UGSF (acronyms always do wonders.) Why would Bill Gates do that? What kind of crazy-assed diamond encrusted hi–tech shoes is he going to buy her? Does it have windows? Will it crash every half an hour so you have to upgrade to Shoe XP?

STRANGE HOT FACE BOOK GIRL WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND

You log in one fine day and Tatiana wants to be your friend. Tatiana - who's a D cup, showing her cleavage right down to her toes, wants to get to know you better. You accept and a couple of minutes later she's shoving links down your pants asking you check out her photos. First, wipe off the big L on your forehead. The hot Tatianas of the world are busy making movies like the Good, the Bad & the Horny and MegaGrind. She has no time to log on and add you, out of the blue, just because she's feeling a bit sociable today.

BY HAVING A BEAUTIFUL LUXURY DESIGNER REPLICA WATCH, YOUR
GIRLFRIEND WILL BE SURELY INCLINED TOWARDS YOU AT ONCE.

Note the words carefully. Designer replica watch. Not your ordinary replicas. Those are so 2010. We've got designer replicas these days. They take those fakes and make it look nothing like the original. Next, how did this woman become your girlfriend without already being inclined to you? Or perhaps she's straying from the path of exclusivity. And what better way to get her back then to go out there and wear a replica watch? Good-
looks, sensitivity and loads of cash are so over-rated.

GIVE YOUR LADY GODLY ACTION IN BED WITH YOUR NEW PECKER

Yeah... throw away your old pecker and give her some of that Zeus action. Lightening bolts, fire, kaboom... that sort of thing. Wonder what they do with all them old discarded peckers? Maybe there's a graveyard somewhere, just like how elephants have their secret graveyards, where old peckers go to rest. Poor guys. They give, and they give, and they give… and there's just no appreciation. The minute something bigger and better comes along, it's seeya later masturbator.

SEXY GIRLS WILL LOOK AT YOU DIFFERENTLY - THRILL HER MORE
EVERY NIGHT WITH BIGPENISENLARGEMENT.COM

One question. How would these sexy girls know that woody wooden pecker has now graduated into the big league? Do they have a radar to sense these things? Unless of course, they promise that it's gonna grow soooo big that it will hang below your pants sleeves. Do shoes come as triplets? Just wondering.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PORN AND REALITY

Every self respecting man has watched his fare share of porn. We’ve downloaded, bought, borrowed and lived vicariously through our HD TVs and computer screens. What some of us, however, fail to understand is that no amount of finger crossing, lamp rubbing or praying will ever make the events on screen happen to you. There are more chances of Oprah appearing on Playboy than any of those things occurring to you, dear horny friend. Besides, some of the details in those stories are little bit of a stretch. Let’s start of with the characters, for instance.

The Characters

Seriously, nurses do not look like that! They don’t wear short skirts. They don’t leave the tops of their uniforms unbuttoned. Also, we’re pretty sure they don’t shave. And we’re not talking about the crotchular area. Facial hair, legs, hands, backs… the works. There is some good news though if you’re into playing around with your derriere. If you ask nicely, we’re sure they’ll be more than willing to give you an enema.

And when a teacher in real life says she will “punish you appropriately after class”, chances are, she’s going punish the shit out of you after class. The bitch slaps and rulers to the knuckles are the closest you’re gonna get to S&M. Moreover, Miss Matthews does not, and will never bend down in front of you to pick up chalk. If she did, you’d really wish she hadn’t. That sort of imagery will leave behind scars for the rest of your life.

Let’s move on to the latino maids. There are none over here. Instead of Izabelle, we have mother-of-six, rolling pin aficionado - Kantabai. Don’t be mistaken… we love her! Kantabai is someone who cooks, cleans, takes out the garbage and basically puts our lives in order. Why would we want to screw up that relationship? She would not be cool with you filming her cleaning the house naked. So don’t even try.

Then there’s also the 18 year old girl scout. We’ve never seen here. Not only is she as fictional as Santa Clause, you’d get as many sexual favours from, as you would the fat man. So stop waiting by the door. Here’s the harsh reality. The only strangers to knock at your door will be the milkman with his bill, the electricity guy with his bill, the newspaper guy with his bill, and the tax evasion guys. Get out and earn your nookie like everyone else.

The Storyline

The old ‘doing it with your female boss in the office after working hours’ plot. Forget about it. First of all, there’s a 0.0025 % chance that you’re going to be hired by a playboy bunny boss. And a 0.0005 % chance that she’s going to punish you for that shabby report by taking off her clothes.

Joining dominos will also not increase your chances of getting some tail on the side. So don’t give up your day job. Cmmon.. be realistic! If she’s ordering pizza, she’s probably not alone. Secondly, she definitely has money at home. So there’s no way in hell she’s going to offer to pay you through other services. Besides, do you think a lady with burning loins out there will be looking to sleep with someone who’s publicly advertising that they’d come the quickest? We think not.

How about the photographer who gets in models and sweet talks them into taking their clothes off for a few aesthetic shots. And then bumps uglies with them. In reality, you will need a professional studio. With the real estate rates these days, that alone will kill your mojo. Then you need to invest in equipment to at least give the illusion that you know what you’re doing. And if you do manage to set everything up and rake a girl in, write to us from jail and tell us what kind of lens you used. Who knows we’ll even mail you a free issue of Maxim while you’re in the can.

Owner of the love mobile. So you’re driving around in your run-down van asking random hot chicks to hop in the back. Then after a few jokes they hump your friend’s brains out while you drive around town nonchalantly. There are a few small flaws here. Random hot chicks usually come with balding men driving porches. It’s a packaged deal. They’ve never heard of walking. Secondly, they’re not going to get into your matchbox on wheels. Not even if you told them that there’s a leprechaun with a pot of diamonds in the back seat. Thirdly, with the price of petrol, how the hell in anyone going to drive around till your friend gets his groove on. Fourthly, where are you going to find an empty road in an Indian city? Fifthly, who in their right minds would opt to be a driver, while someone else gets the action? Another myth debunked, thanks to the scientists of porn right here at Maxim, thank you very much.

Then there’s the one about being stranded on an island full of naked hot tribal blondes who haven’t had some jungle love till you showed up. The usual plot goes like this - you’re wandering through the jungle looking for some signs of life. You stumble upon a tribe of women praying to the sun god for a man who can give them the good lovin. Enter stage right – you. So here’s what you need to do for that to happen. Get onto a boat and sink it (to keep in line with the story of course). Then swim a few thousand kilometres to the nearest deserted island. If it doesn’t look deserted enough , keep swimming till you find one. Once you’re satisfied, walk around till you find a group of women who have somehow managed to reproduce and spawn more blondes without a man around. Then it’s all easy going from there as you teach them the horny ways of the civilised world. All this while the chimpanzee choral symphony sing Pow Chicka Wow Wow in harmony on the side. See? Easy Peasy!

And one of our personal favourite – the best friend’s mom. You get to your friend’s place and surprise, surprise he’s not home. His mom is though. And if looks are anything to go by, she must have given birth to your friend when she was 10. She then proceeds to tell you that since her husband died in a freak accounting incident, she’s never had a man. During the next 60 minutes, she shows Mr Woody what it’s been missing. Now come back to the real world.

Close your eyes and think of your closest friend’s mother. Now picture her naked. Ok, after you’ve thrown up, we ask you another question? Why does your friend still stay with his mother?

Let’s go to the stunts.

The moves

First of all, we’re not equipped with drill bits like pornstars such as Peter North or Rocco Siffredi. We’re not expected to! The average Indian penis size is 10 cms or 4 inches. So stop tugging at the thing, you’re just fine. It’s just like any other movie you see on the silver screen. You exaggerate the drama because it’s entertainment. It’s just that in porn, they cast the exceptions to the rule. There’s no need to order that suction pump no more. All you need is some good moves and you’re good to go. It might also be prudent to hide your stash of porn from the missus, though. You don’t want her thinking that there are possibilities out there. What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

Coming back to the performances. You can’t go on for 45 minutes at a stretch without popping it. It’s just not human! Sure you can think of grandma, clean the pipes before hand, or even apply some gels. But to keep going on an on like the energizer bunny for that long is just plain ridiculous. Even if you could, you would wear your woman out before you know it. Nobody wants them 2 minutes noodles. But the agonisingly long baked potato isn’t so hot either. If you’ve got something searing in between, you’re good to go.

Then of course, there are the positions. Our legs JUST DON’T BEND THAT WAY. Perhaps it’s the magic of cinema. Or maybe they don’t have knee joints. If you want to try to put your own ankles behind your ears while doing the hula hoop and receiving fellatio at the same time, by all means, go ahead. But we did warn you, those stunts have been performed by professionals and should not be tried at home. You’d be better off driving a moped through a ring of fire. At least the little captain won’t be bent out of shape.

Then there are the locations that are viable for fornication. The forest - In all honesty, we’d be too busy looking out for snakes, bears and poison ivy before we’d even put on the Barry White CD and light our candles. And it’s a little weird doing it in front of rabbits. The kings of hump would probably judge us and our moves, which is a little unnerving.

Public transport is no easier. Considering how jam packed our buses and trains get, you will get action all right. The only problem is that you can’t control the sex of your partner. Or the positions you find yourself in. Common public transport sex positions, by default, are the ‘twisted donut’ the ‘straddling monkey’ and the ‘hernia patient’. You might not like it, but you take what you get.

A few notes before we end. Pornography is like a fairytale. It’s a make believe world that keeps us happy in our own freakish way. Maybe some of us get through our cruel and gruelling days hoping that some alignment of the planets will make our hot neighbour come over for salt and end up giving a little sugar. But here’s the good news. Truth is stranger than fiction. And stuff worthy of the erotic screens has been known to happen. When you least expect it, you could hit the jackpot. Who knows… tales of your sexcapades will be told far and wide. Till then, stay focused on the real world, and have fun while you’re at it.

PUBLISHED IN MAXIM, November 2011, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.