INVENTIONS WE CAN’T WAIT TO SEE

 Technology is moving at a pace faster than you can get your pants off in front of a naked woman. Things only imaginable in movies are already available to the public. Phones that at like your personal assistant. Porn at a click of a button.Dead celebrities coming back to perform as holograms. There’s nothing you can rule out as incredulous anymore. That’s why we’ve come up with our list of inventions that we can’t wait to see out there. And while they might seem bizarre, remember, this is the 21^st century and impossible has been rendered obsolete.

THE DREAM SEQUENCER

Another one on the Maxim wish list. Here’s how it’s supposed to work. You feed in what you would like your dreams to involve, broadly. While you drift into REM sleep, the sequencer takes over. In Maxim scientific terminology, the Dream Sequencer would then control the neurons effecting the neurotransmitter signals to the brain as well as other stuff that we’re too lazy to read off wiki. End result – we can dream all the sex stuff we want, on demand!  It’s your brain… anything goes. And if you’re still getting shot down by the office hottie in your own head, there’s no way we can help you. You agreed to the terms and conditions. No refunds.

 THE TELEPORTER

Nobody’s figured it out as yet, but you never know. While most people would waste one end of the teleporting machine by placing it at the work place, we think that’s a humungous waste of this precious gift. Why the hell would you want to get to work faster? We say place one end next to your bed. The other next to the fridge. Roll out, grab a beer, roll back in in. As long as you don’t merge with the beer on reverse teleportation, like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly. Although, on second thought, a guy-beer hybrid would be another cool idea. We should really patent this stuff before somebody else does.

THE TV GRABITECH

If you thought taping your favourite shows or forwarding through commercials was brilliant, the TV Grabitech will blow your mind. We were leaning towards the name ‘TV Grabber’, but Grabitech makes it sound like there’s some uber-cool technology involved. See something you like on TV – just grab it from the screen! Like what Nigella Lawson is cooking, grab a bite. Heck, you can grab Nigella if you like. Move the desk in front of ArnabGoswami to see if he’s really wearing pants behind there. Or simply flick Celine Dion’s forehead just to piss the shit outta her. Screw 3D. This is interactive TV at it’s best.

THE WOMAN INTERPRETER

Like ear-buds, they fit into your ears. And voila, it’s like we’re speaking the same language.  We’ll finally be able to understand what they’re saying. Especially when they say things like “Yes”, “No”, or “You don’t hang out with my friends enough.” Which, strangely enough, means, “I think we should get married.” The next time she sends you out to bring something from the store, you will come back with exactly what she wanted! Through the simple process of hearing, interpreting and executing. You can now say goodbye to ambiguity thanks to the Woman Interpreter. 

PORKUN

It’s only a matter of time till it happens. They already have a liger. But eating a mix of a lion and a tiger might get the PETA boys a little pissed off. So here’s the plan. Pork and mutton – porkun. And we’re pretty sure our geneticists can figure it out. Just get the pig and the sheep in the same room, barn, whatever. A few candles around. Some soft Barry White in the background. A little farm nookie and what do we get? The best of both meats all wrapped up in one freak of nature. Mmmmm… Kentuky Fried Porkun. Remember, you heard it here first.

THE INVISIBILITY CLOAK

 If you’re thinking of sneaking into the girls changing room, well… nyeh. Too clichéd. We’re thinking of turning it up a notch. We’re real men. We could get all the naked girls we want. But how about free gas at the pump, considering petrol costs as much as rocket fuel now. Or even when your girlfriend’s husband comes home.  No more roughing it out in the closet or risking the 20ft jump from the window with a boner. Just put on the invisibility cloak and waltz out after helping yourself to some of his beer.

THE DECISIONATOR

It’s your personal robot that comes back from the future to stop you from doing questionable things in the present. He could be just like the Terminator but without the Austrian accent. So you’re in a committed relationship, yet find yourself in a naked situation with another girl. The Decisionater comes back just in time and terminates your wife / girlfriend to make what you’re doing absolutely moral. Of course he could just pull you out of the compromising situation but that depends on what settings the Decisionator is on. Suppose you’re out with the gang and probably had too much to drink. Your favourite song comes up and you decide that you’re going to bust out the moves. The Decisionator would break your legs leaving you with your dignity. He’s like the best friend who you never have to pick up the tab for.

THE TORRENT FRIDGE

Sometimes you can buy the movie for free. And some people, we don’t know who these fiends are, download them for free through torrents. The Torrent fridge is the same thing, but with food. You want a rack of spare ribs? Do a search, and download one from the best source. Nobody likes them bootleg dishes. Depending on your Ingredient Service Provider, download speeds may vary. All you need to do is queue up food before you head to work. Come back to your fridge and tadaa! And be a good soul and leave your fridge on for others to download from. Preferably stocked with something that doesn’t have fuzzy stuff growing out of it and it’s own ecosystem.

THE BARRY WHITENER

Women love men who can sing. A great voice can pick up the slack of your looks. But not all of us have a voice that can melt a heart and undress a woman. That’s where the Barry Whitener comes in. It’s a small box that hangs around your neck with several options at your disposal. Need to have her swooning, hit the switch on to Barry White and let the sexual healing commence. And the best part is you can change the voice to your preference. Need to sound local? Turn it to Sonu Nigam. A voice that’s high on mushrooms? Set it to Anu Malik. Courting a young lesbian? Now you can sound like a teenage girl with the Bieber setting. With 120 voices available, you will be spoilt for choice.

THE PROXY THINNER

This nifty invention will be the end to our biggest nemesis. Exercise. It’s an armour of sorts that lets you exercise by proxy. Available in pairs, you and a willing buddy need to suit up simultaneously.  Next, while your pal runs around the block, building muscle and burning fat, you reap all the benefits. Off set the bacon you’re devouring by sending your best friend to the gym. What are friends for if they can’t gift you a sick pack and a few triceps while you help yourself to a burger? Choose your friends wisely just in case they ask for the favour to be returned. Remember, a friend with a treadmill is a friend indeed.

SIRIBRO

It’s an app on your phone that’s your own personal bro. Unlike apple’s Siri, this one will actually be able to understand what you’re saying and even perform voice commands! Crazy huh? But more importantly it will perform all the functions that a bro should. Sending a drunk text? SiriBro will filter it or defer sending it till the following morning. Wearing questionable clothes, the app will intervene with“ Bro, leave the bell bottoms back in the 70s”. Hitting on a friend’s girl? SiriBro, will taze the head that you’re thinking with. Because that’s what bros do. Look out for other bros.  

PUBLISHED IN MAXIM, August 2012, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

THINGS WOMEN WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND ABOUT MEN.

In the beginning God created Adam. After some thought and a lot of tinkering he pulled out a rib from the poor sod and created a pretty little thing called Eve. Eve never really got Adam. Apart from the fact that he had weird looking body parts, his thinking was radically different.

Eve wanted to cover his poker with a fig leaf. He preferred going commando. She preferred eating forbidden apples. He liked kobé beef with a side of bacon and potatoes. And the way he looked at some of the sheep made Eve very insecure about her looks.

Which wasn’t Adam’s intention…but it’s just a case in point that there are some things about men that women will never understand. Never. Fast forward to the 21 century and things are pretty much the same. Read on and see.

Shopping isn’t therapy for men. Women have a million excuses to shop. A 50% off sale. A party to go to. A chipped nail. A break-up. Or even swine flu. Men have one reason. We need new clothes. And there are clear rules as to when clothes become old. The colour should have faded to another colour that isn’t cool. A rip in our pants, if, and only if those pants are not denim. Ripped denims are absolutely fine. Lucky shirts are not to be replaced under any circumstances. The food stains have memories to them. And the moth eaten holes add character. We won’t replace it. You can’t make us. Even if you withhold sex. Ok… perhaps you can.

Men understand the healing properties of beer. Beer is the elixir of life. Beer heals the broken heart, the broken bone and is the answer to the cure for cancer, given that our researchers have downed enough beer. The best remedy to a hang-over? More beer! It makes your cooking more palatable. It keeps the Vatican going. Beer is not just an alcoholic beverage. For men, it’s a food group. Just like doughnuts and spare-ribs. It’s the main reason my birds chirp and snakes move in the groovy way they do. Beer – there’s just no denying it.

We’re not always analysing our relationship. Sometimes it’s just fine for us to stare at the ceiling and not think about taking the next step in our relationship. You know that intense contemplative look we get when we’re looking into the deep abyss of nothingness? There are three possibilities to what might be going on there. We’re either sulking over the loss of our favourite team. Or, we’re passing gas. And the most plausible… WE’RE NOT THINKING ANYTHING. That’s what we do. We zone out to a happy place of absolute nothingness. It’s a gift. Think of it as beans induced meditation.

We’re always ready for sex. You wanna know what’s a clear sign that we want nookie? We’re breathing. That’s the sign. It’s ok to wake us up for sex at any time. Absolutely any time. Nine times out of ten, sex takes precedence over sleep. The other one time we’re just recovering from a romp. And to be honest... some of us are good to go again. We don’t need a reason, a place, a mood or the proper lightning. We’re understanding beings. Football’s on? No problemo. That’s why Kamasutra was invented. So we can twist our bodies in such unimaginable ways that we can enjoy two things at once. A lil footy and a lil nookie.

We don’t know what a conditioner is. Seriously. What the fuck is it? We just got around the shampoo bit. Lather, rinse, repeat… we get it. Now conditioner? What does it condition? Or let’s take a step back. What does condition even mean? Men don’t get it. I’m not even sure we want to. Is it like a primer? Or a glaze? You know how you baste the chicken with butter to make it all shiny. Perhaps that’s what it does. Truth be told – it’s a ploy. If you don’t see a conditioner on our shelves, it’s because we refuse to bow down to corporate marketing gimmicks. All we need is our trusted old deo that promised to get us the chiquitas.

We’ll watch porn no matter how much sex we’re getting. Here’s the thing. What women see as pornographic movies, men see as educational video aids. It’s almost like a distance learning course. We’re always in this constant state of learning, absorbing what’s new, and putting into practice. So what if the teachers happen to be mutli-award winning porn stars Jenna Jameson and Jenna Haze? You know that new move we bring to the bedroom? We didn’t read that stuff in Readers Digest. We leaned that from ‘XXX Men – The rise of Erecto Magnifico.

Our obsessions with breasts. What’s not to like? They’re magical! They’re like everyday Christmas presents. Perhaps that’s why we’re fixated with the things. One stupid apple in the beginning of time and they’ve been covered for all eternity. If you’re hiding them, they must be special. If women started wearing ear-muffs all the time, we’d start paying good money just to see pictures of their ears. A woman would cross you in the park, and you’d turn to your friend as say “Check out the lobes on that chick!”

Why we don’t stop to ask for directions. A debatable study says that men have a little extra iron deposited in their bodies. And like a compass, we’re supposed to have a pretty good sense of direction. Well, theoretically at least. But truth be told, asking for directions is a sign of weakness. Men are always fighting to be pack leaders. The rest are supposed to look to us for help and assistance. Not the other way around. We’re supposed to know where things are. Most of us can find the fridge and toilet in the dark. A restaurant half way across town can’t be all that tough.

Why we don’t remember important dates and things. Again, men are always in a constant state of learning. Like sponges, we’re constantly absorbing data, mostly to make our better halves happy. But nobody can hold an infinite amount of information. Something’s gotta give. Effectively, for every new bit that is processed, something old has to go. We learn the answer to “Am I pretty” and we forget the answer to “Am I fat”. We learn your mother’s name, we forget our anniversary. We remember to pick up milk, we forget the shout out the right name in bed. It’s simple mathematics and we can’t be blamed for it.

The need to control the remote is in our man genes. It’s not something that can be treated. It’s the law of nature. Women might not know the proper technique of speed- flipping during commercials. How to watch two programs at once. Or even the specific volume levels for each program. For example every man knows that Sex and the City can be best enjoyed when the volume is at 2. And Die Hard ... 88 or even 89. These things are built into our DNA. So let us do what we do best and hand over the remote.

Men appreciate beauty in the most unlikely of places. The neighbour who steps out for a jog in a tank-top. The yoga instructor in flat 24-c in desperate need of opaque curtains. The girl with a tongue stud at the check-out counter. Women might misunderstand our roving eyes for being inconsiderate. Insensitive. Some even go to the extent of saying we objectify them. Well, excuse us for applauding God’s handy work. Us looking around is just our way of giving him a spiritual high-5.

Violence = entertainment. Movies about a hooker falling in love with a billionaire is a no-no. One about a girl falling in love with a bat and a wolf is also a pass. We’re born hunters. Get us close to the action. Aliens. Helicopters exploding. Cars crashing. Aliens crashing helicopters into cars. All we need is a semi-decent plot, a couple of explosions, all sprinkled with the integral sex scene. Safe to say, we’re flexible on the plot part. A flick with anything less than a paper-cut is not likely to get the adrenaline pumping.

We don’t know why you’re angry. So stop walking around in a huff saying “you know what you did.” We just don’t remember. Was it that reference to your mother being Satan’s spawn? Did we mention your weight? Is today our 140 month anniversary. Just come out and say it, because we’re not lying when we say We Don’t Know. Asking us to figure it out will just have us apologising for ridiculous stuff. “Honey, I’m sorry I took you out to dinner. I apologise if that man didn’t know you were just a bit bloated and not expecting twins.”

PUBLISHED IN MAXIM, November 2011, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.