Today we’re going to talk about being FAT.
Fat is but a state of mind. Just like poverty and good looks.
And at the end of every month I find my brain constantly telling me – Jon… you poor, poor ugly bastard.
Now, as I look down and see my navel, where my feet used to be, the truth seems to hit me hard and bounce of my paunch like a crazy ball on steroids. (I was never good with similes and metaphors)
I used to keep telling my friends. “Of course I have a six pack. They’re just piled on top of one another.”
Others suggest that there are much more than 6 hiding in there. Funny.
Assuming that my “friends” have some basis in calling me lumpy, let’s get down to identifying the causes and stemming them.
1) Vegetables: Veggies make you fat. This is a personal experiment that I’ve conducted and has no scientific backing. From past experience, the scientific community tends to distance itself from me. Go figure.
So I’ve tried this. French Fries. Capsicum stuffed with mince. Extra lettuce and tomatoes on my burgers. A few more peas in the fried rice. Even gone to the extent of enquiring about the price of karelas (bitter gourd).
Nothing. Nada. Zilch. No weight loss. Just another notch on the evil messenger (the weighing scale for you think schmucks who don’t get it). Vegetables are our enemy.
2) Exercise: I’ve tried everything. Spot jogging in the lift. Crunches on the escalator. Toe flexes while I’m sleeping at work. Nothing there either. And if it weren’t for my hip flask, I’d have died of dehydration. Or Sobriety. Either ways, exercise is a no-no.
3) I don’t really really have a 3rd point. But I would like to take this opportunity to state that DIET is an anagram for I E(a)T. (for those of you slower than I am, I have slyly removed the ‘D’ and added an ‘a’. Clever eh?)
I’m a fatty. And that’s the not so bare truth. Well, at least I’m…. ….. damn.. just realized there’s no positive side to this.
As usual, feel free to criticize, curse me, or generally talk about the weather.
9 comments:
How to look 10 pounds lighter instantly....
stand next to someone 10 pounds heavier than you. :D
Oh yeah and got some great advice in the mail today...
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Q: I've heard that cardio vascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
> A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
> Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
> A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of hops and grain. Bottoms up! Cheers!
> Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
> A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
> Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
> A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
> Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
> A: Are you crazy? HELLO ... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
> Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
> A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
> Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
> A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
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And yet he has the nerve to call me the queen of thighland. Hey YOU FATTY BOMBOLATTY, welcome to my world. Lets eat.
At least you're better than the aunties who say "there's more of you to love." I mean DO YOU SEE ANYONE SAYING HEY S/HE IS FAT, LET ME BUY THEM SOME DIAMONDS. HUH? HUH?
you know.. someone once told me that these things on my sides are called love handles. But somehow, no-one seems to be steering me towards sex. Go figure.
u see the problem is that your love handle equall to that of 2 huuuuuge sumo wrestlers . and knowing how difficult it is to move around one of those its not difficult to see y u aint getting no nookie....but i have thought about this and this is what i have come up with
a)lyposuction:how about it they can suck it out of you in a few weeks.. ummm months.. time
b) find a way to donate your fat to somalia... i bet they are tired of their scrawny model like bodies... besides ribcages went out of fashion a while back dhaling!
c)get cursed by a gypsy(thinnnnnnnnneeerrrrrr- like stephen king wrote )
since i dont think we have gypsy's in mumbai guess u gonna have to make do with our very own eunuch's( last i heard they haave very mystical power...mystical indeed wat makes them chop their wee wee's off anyway.. a gambling bet? a angry girlfriend? cannabalistic tendencies? ... ahem.. ok losing focus!)
d)get a shopaholic girlfriend who constantly needs u and your visa card by her side.. really men underestimate the energy put in to shopping ..its the easiest way of losing weight.
well thats all i have for now but rest assured i am doing my home work ...who knows wat tomorrow but bring(aww. i love getting all quotey)is quotey a word?---bev
quotey is not a word. 'Dead Girlfriend' is though.
Appreciate your suggestions nevertheless.
just for the record DEAD GIRLFRIEND are 2 wordS.. not just a word.-bev
Is "Zip it up or else i'll harass the living the living daylights out of you with off tune bollywood songs" - one word or two words?
not only does your grammar suck but also your math!! u poor thing .. how do u live with yourself ....oh well there are always books that can help u with those...bev
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