FETISHES THAT MAKE YOU GO WTF!

PUBLISHED IN MAXIM, August, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Remember the days when a naked woman was enough to get you off. If she was willing, that’s all the arousal you ever needed. You knew what went where. Insert tab A into slot B and almost everyone walked away happy. But times have changed. There’s some weird shit out there. We’re not judging, but it seems there is a wide variety of arousal inducing stimuli. And when a stimuli is way out of what experts without Phds call “normal people’s sexy zone”, it becomes a fetish. We think it’s time you knew about them. The opportunity may arise when you might have to put some of this into practice to please your better half. And if you don’t know what you’re doing, you might land up with a foot in your mouth. Literally. So, hold on to your gonads, S&M and Bondage pale in comparison to these. Let us begin.

Plushophilia: If you walk into a house and see a stuffed Winnie-the-pooh with a violated look on his face, that’s the first sign that the owner is a Plusho.And it’s not just Winnie. It could be Bambi. Garfield. Or even a smurf. Defined as the unnatural attraction towards stuffed animals, you might want to know how exactly does one do the nasty with a teddy bear. Well, considering that none of them are objecting, anything goes. And the best part is, no dinner required and they’re not going to compare you to earlier lovers.

Formicophilia: Recipe: 1 or more creepy crawlies. 1 naked person. 1 video camera because this stuff will be a guaranteed hit on Youtube. Formicophilia is the act of getting your jollies from insects crawling on your genitals. So, what you do is get yourself a bunch of ants and put them where the sun don’t shine. The arousal derived from the insects crawling or even nibbling on the genitals is out of this world. And right on planet crazy. So if you’re ever wondering what a praying mantis is always imploring. It’s for shit like this not to happen to it.

Apotemnophilia: The erotic interest in being an amputee. Alrighty then. Even we have a couple of questions here. Does this mean that you can only get an orgasm four times considering the limited number of limbs we humans have? Wouldn’t it be funny if you cut off everything and then realized you should have kept a hand to do the dirty deed? No? Ok. Moving on. Apotemnophilia has a close sister called Acrotomophilia, where one wants to jump into the sack with an amputee. Which is a lot less painful for the person with the fetish we think.

Spectrophilia: If you wanted a deeply spiritual sexual experience, it doesn’t get better than Spectrophilia. Ghost Sex. We can’t imagine how much fun that could be considering ghosts don’t really have genitalia. Or any other body part to speak of for that matter. To imagine that they called in a psychic to get rid of the ghost in Poltergeist. All the spookie wanted was a lil nookie. Evidence of Spectrophilia can be seen in night clubs all over the nation. If you notice someone in the corner gyrating by themselves, pelvic thrusts and everything, they’re probably doing Casper.

PS: we checked the rule book: you’re still a virgin even if you’ve done it with a ghost.

Nasophilia: There are a couple of plus points with doing it in the nose. Yeah, you read right. In the nose. Number one: You can’t get anyone pregnant. Number two: Well, there’s no number two. That’s all we got. On the flip side, you’re never going to find someone with big enough nostrils except Om Puri. And if you do manage to go through with the act, you could probably kill someone. And nobody wants their epitaph to read “death by penis in the nose”.

Macrophilia: The bigger the better. Macrophilia is the attraction to large people. And we’re not talking about big-boned people. We’re looking at giants here, like Miss Gulliver. One of the lousier fetishes to be stuck with, there’s nothing much to work with here. Sure there’s the ginormous boobies, but other than using them as ski slopes or to plug in the hole in the ozone layer, we don’t really see the point. And how do you propose to satisfy the said giantess? You’ll need one hell of a magical enlargement pump.

Hybristophilia: Also called the Bonny and Clyde syndrome, Hybristophilia is the attraction to people who have committed crimes. We don’t see this as a unique fetish, because if you’re in jail, a lot of your friends in there might already find you pretty damn attractive. Also, there must be some sort of benchmark for the kind of crime committed, correlated to the attraction. The 3G scam guys can’t possibly get a truck load of non-jail nookie. Perhaps you need to hold up a bank or something. And not one of ‘em cooperative banks. A private bank with many ATMs and online banking.

Dacryphilia: This is a fun one. Make em cry, and you’re on your way to happy town down there. As a part of BDSM, it involves one person witnessing the other in emotional distress. So, just put on a Van Damme movie, wait for the flood gates to open and you’re good to go. Other ways to do it are to admit that you wipe your hands to the curtain. Or simple say “Did you eat my girlfriend because I swear you were thinner yesterday”.

Mechanophilia: Oooh yeah MH01 J 2431… is that an exhaust pipe right there or are you just happy to see me? What? The minivan? That meant nothing to me. It was just physical. A one time thing. The attraction to automobiles is not that strange when you come to think of it. Every guy has given their bike or car a sexy girl’s name like Betsy. Or Matilda. Whisper sweet nothing to make her run right. Given her a little tap on the rear to make her know she’s cared about. It’s only when you rub your piston against her petrol tank, that things get outta whack.

Phalloorchoalgolagnia –might as well slap a picture of Osama down there. As if spelling the damn thing wasn’t painful enough Phalloorchoalgolagniacs like to get hit, squeezed, kicked, pinched, poked, pierced, flicked, bit down there. More pain, more gain, the intense soreness is supposed to heighten the sexual pleasure. With whatever is left of your mini punching bag of course.

Vorarephilia: Some people like being nibbled on the ears. Then there are others who like being eaten whole. Vorarephilia is a sexual fetish where arousal occurs from the idea of being eaten alive. We’re not sure of the technicalities here, but perhaps you need to marinate yourself first for at least 24 hours. A little ginger garlic paste maybe. Some lime. Salt to taste. And French beans for roughage. While the fantasy may or nay not include digestion, imagine having a whole person in you. Fidgeting around the whole day when you’re trying to get some work done. Isn’t that how hernias occur?

Sitophilia: The attraction to food may seem normal to some. Licking some whipped cream of a body. Playing with cherries. But what about eating a whole meal? Some of us don’t put veggies in our mouths… why on earth put it on our body! That’s just revolting! Other Sitophiliacs also like their partners to interact with the food a bit more. For example, mash potatoes with their feet, and then stick their thingies in it. Why someone would try to impregnate a potato, beats us. Others also like to dabble in cocktails after their partners add their own personal ‘ingredients’. That’s one nasty way to temper the taste.

HELP

Can someone help me design this blog? I am really bad at this.
Anybody?
I will part with my wine, beer, fancy cheese and Ferrero Rocher if you do.

SPAMMERS - WHAT ARE THEY SMOKING?

PUBLISHED IN MAXIM, July 2011, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Spammers. The crazy guys that are trying to sell us a better sex life and a Rolex. It's perhaps one of the most stressful and difficult jobs on the planet. Right up there with air- traffic control guys and stool sample collector. First you've got to think of a catchy name to send the mail from.
Like Dr Longtime Love. Or Mum. A name that would pique the interest of the reader to check out the subject. The title of the mail then has to give the reader a little more to bite. Old-school spammers tried out the allure of money and sex with subjects like "lots of money - for free" or "free nude pics of Margaret Thatcher". But the new generation spammers have just lost the plot. In fact we've even got mails asking if we'd like to "increase our mortgage by two inches". Maybe it's the stress of coming up with novel ways to market whatever it is they're selling. Or maybe their weed dealer is short-changing them. Either ways, if you're ever having a bad day at work, or feel like doing weird things to your manhood / womanhood… CHECK YOUR SPAM. It's a goldmine of entertainment. Here are a couple of real spam subjects. Let's see what these schmucks are trying to tell us.

STIR UP A PASSION IN HER HEART WITH YOUR MAGIC WAND.

There's a small flaw here. You can't really stir with a wand. You can make a bunny appear though. But they'll just put you to shame with their humping techniques and that's not going to do anybody any good. Perhaps what they should have said was - Stir up a passion in her heart with your magic wooden ladle. Or make a good salad at least because there’s nothing like keeping yourself healthy while you’re doing nasty things with your
human cutlery.

HUGE LOVEMAKER HAS BECOME UNBELIEVABLY REAL

These guy are working under the assumption that our love-maker wasn't real before. Like the tooth-fairy or insurance claims, it's a myth, The stuff that dreams are made of. Some men fantasize about owning a yacht. Other work hard towards getting their very own twinkie. The best part is, now your office won't have a problem with you touching yourself at your desk because, hey, it ain't there!

YOU'RE NEW JOYSTICK SCORES MORE

Here's where it gets a bit confusing. First they're telling us it's imaginary. And now they say he's playing a game down there. And something they're offering is going to help him win. Don't get us wrong, we want him to win. But it might help if we just knew what the hell he's playing. And what are the rules? Is it a team sport? Does he have to test for dope? There's a good ball joke here dying to be told… but we'll stay away from it.

GET YOUR ONLINE DOCTORATE IN MEDICINE NOW
Is this thing legit? If the internet guys do manage to give out doctorates...makes you wonder doesn't it. The guy standing over you with a scalpel... did he pass out of www.surgery-for-dummies.com? Why is the surgeon googling stuff on his phone? What does he mean his Bypass App ain't working?

DON'T WASTE YOUR LIFE WITH YOUR RIGHT HAND

Now just hold on a minute. What are they trying to say about righty? Is he not trust- worthy? It's the good-for-nothing hand? The one that mother warned us about? We can't really walk out on our right hand can we? Sure ol' lefty will always be by our side. But the other one's been there through good times and bad. Those days when we couldn't sleep. The times when 'she' has her scheduled headaches. Or when you saw those lesbians make-out at the club. Don't worry Mr. Right. You're number one in our books.

YOU HAVE INHERITED 150,000 DOLLARS

This one's a beauty, They mail you saying that there's this guy in Nigeria who died and his moolah has gone to the bank. And hello hello, he has the same surname as you. So it's really simple, all you have to do is send them some money as processing fees, your bank account details and they'll get the money out under the pretext that you're a long lost relative. And they'll split it with you of course... 50-50. Now let's analyse this. There's a dead Nigerian who has the same Indian surname as you. Sounds a wee bit fishy doesn't it. But Watambe and Maturdas are almost alike. Then he has a plan to get the money out. And all he needs is a little money and your bank account details. Fair enough. And he wants to split it 50-50. There you go. That's your clue that this is a rip-off. Who would want to split it. Now if he said 60-40 we would have probably gone ahead with it.

SUPERSIZE YOUR LITTLE BABYMAKER

We'd really wish they'd stop calling it little. Besides we make up for it with enthusiasm anyway. Moving on, what's nice here is the fast-food touch that they've incorporated. Yes, supersize it and a large coke with fries please. And take-away. We'd like to carry it around. You never know when the urge to make a baby might arise. When you're at immigration at the airport. Or when you're scuba-diving. Wham, you feel like making a
baby. No fear, the supersized procreator is here.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE JUST WON THE LOTTERY!

Yup, you have won 1 million dollars! So why don't you give us a couple of bucks so we can send the money to you. You know, because we spent all the cash we had organising the damn lottery thing. But congratulations once again. Ok, there's a simple formula here of figuring out whether this is a scam or not. Have you bought a lottery ticket lately? No? Chances are, you didn't win it then. Trust us, we ran the numbers and they keep coming
up with the same answers. You can't win the lottery if you didn't participate in the lottery. It's one of those freaky laws of nature. Go Figure.

HELP THIS POOR UKRAINIAN GIRL IF YOU HAVE A HEART.

This one doesn't solicit money but it just annoys the f@&* out of us. There's a girl. In Ukraine. And she has no shoes. And for every person you forward this mail to, Microsoft will donate one dollar to the Ukranian Girl Shoe Fund. Also known as UGSF (acronyms always do wonders.) Why would Bill Gates do that? What kind of crazy-assed diamond encrusted hi–tech shoes is he going to buy her? Does it have windows? Will it crash every half an hour so you have to upgrade to Shoe XP?

STRANGE HOT FACE BOOK GIRL WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND

You log in one fine day and Tatiana wants to be your friend. Tatiana - who's a D cup, showing her cleavage right down to her toes, wants to get to know you better. You accept and a couple of minutes later she's shoving links down your pants asking you check out her photos. First, wipe off the big L on your forehead. The hot Tatianas of the world are busy making movies like the Good, the Bad & the Horny and MegaGrind. She has no time to log on and add you, out of the blue, just because she's feeling a bit sociable today.

BY HAVING A BEAUTIFUL LUXURY DESIGNER REPLICA WATCH, YOUR
GIRLFRIEND WILL BE SURELY INCLINED TOWARDS YOU AT ONCE.

Note the words carefully. Designer replica watch. Not your ordinary replicas. Those are so 2010. We've got designer replicas these days. They take those fakes and make it look nothing like the original. Next, how did this woman become your girlfriend without already being inclined to you? Or perhaps she's straying from the path of exclusivity. And what better way to get her back then to go out there and wear a replica watch? Good-
looks, sensitivity and loads of cash are so over-rated.

GIVE YOUR LADY GODLY ACTION IN BED WITH YOUR NEW PECKER

Yeah... throw away your old pecker and give her some of that Zeus action. Lightening bolts, fire, kaboom... that sort of thing. Wonder what they do with all them old discarded peckers? Maybe there's a graveyard somewhere, just like how elephants have their secret graveyards, where old peckers go to rest. Poor guys. They give, and they give, and they give… and there's just no appreciation. The minute something bigger and better comes along, it's seeya later masturbator.

SEXY GIRLS WILL LOOK AT YOU DIFFERENTLY - THRILL HER MORE
EVERY NIGHT WITH BIGPENISENLARGEMENT.COM

One question. How would these sexy girls know that woody wooden pecker has now graduated into the big league? Do they have a radar to sense these things? Unless of course, they promise that it's gonna grow soooo big that it will hang below your pants sleeves. Do shoes come as triplets? Just wondering.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PORN AND REALITY

Every self respecting man has watched his fare share of porn. We’ve downloaded, bought, borrowed and lived vicariously through our HD TVs and computer screens. What some of us, however, fail to understand is that no amount of finger crossing, lamp rubbing or praying will ever make the events on screen happen to you. There are more chances of Oprah appearing on Playboy than any of those things occurring to you, dear horny friend. Besides, some of the details in those stories are little bit of a stretch. Let’s start of with the characters, for instance.

The Characters

Seriously, nurses do not look like that! They don’t wear short skirts. They don’t leave the tops of their uniforms unbuttoned. Also, we’re pretty sure they don’t shave. And we’re not talking about the crotchular area. Facial hair, legs, hands, backs… the works. There is some good news though if you’re into playing around with your derriere. If you ask nicely, we’re sure they’ll be more than willing to give you an enema.

And when a teacher in real life says she will “punish you appropriately after class”, chances are, she’s going punish the shit out of you after class. The bitch slaps and rulers to the knuckles are the closest you’re gonna get to S&M. Moreover, Miss Matthews does not, and will never bend down in front of you to pick up chalk. If she did, you’d really wish she hadn’t. That sort of imagery will leave behind scars for the rest of your life.

Let’s move on to the latino maids. There are none over here. Instead of Izabelle, we have mother-of-six, rolling pin aficionado - Kantabai. Don’t be mistaken… we love her! Kantabai is someone who cooks, cleans, takes out the garbage and basically puts our lives in order. Why would we want to screw up that relationship? She would not be cool with you filming her cleaning the house naked. So don’t even try.

Then there’s also the 18 year old girl scout. We’ve never seen here. Not only is she as fictional as Santa Clause, you’d get as many sexual favours from, as you would the fat man. So stop waiting by the door. Here’s the harsh reality. The only strangers to knock at your door will be the milkman with his bill, the electricity guy with his bill, the newspaper guy with his bill, and the tax evasion guys. Get out and earn your nookie like everyone else.

The Storyline

The old ‘doing it with your female boss in the office after working hours’ plot. Forget about it. First of all, there’s a 0.0025 % chance that you’re going to be hired by a playboy bunny boss. And a 0.0005 % chance that she’s going to punish you for that shabby report by taking off her clothes.

Joining dominos will also not increase your chances of getting some tail on the side. So don’t give up your day job. Cmmon.. be realistic! If she’s ordering pizza, she’s probably not alone. Secondly, she definitely has money at home. So there’s no way in hell she’s going to offer to pay you through other services. Besides, do you think a lady with burning loins out there will be looking to sleep with someone who’s publicly advertising that they’d come the quickest? We think not.

How about the photographer who gets in models and sweet talks them into taking their clothes off for a few aesthetic shots. And then bumps uglies with them. In reality, you will need a professional studio. With the real estate rates these days, that alone will kill your mojo. Then you need to invest in equipment to at least give the illusion that you know what you’re doing. And if you do manage to set everything up and rake a girl in, write to us from jail and tell us what kind of lens you used. Who knows we’ll even mail you a free issue of Maxim while you’re in the can.

Owner of the love mobile. So you’re driving around in your run-down van asking random hot chicks to hop in the back. Then after a few jokes they hump your friend’s brains out while you drive around town nonchalantly. There are a few small flaws here. Random hot chicks usually come with balding men driving porches. It’s a packaged deal. They’ve never heard of walking. Secondly, they’re not going to get into your matchbox on wheels. Not even if you told them that there’s a leprechaun with a pot of diamonds in the back seat. Thirdly, with the price of petrol, how the hell in anyone going to drive around till your friend gets his groove on. Fourthly, where are you going to find an empty road in an Indian city? Fifthly, who in their right minds would opt to be a driver, while someone else gets the action? Another myth debunked, thanks to the scientists of porn right here at Maxim, thank you very much.

Then there’s the one about being stranded on an island full of naked hot tribal blondes who haven’t had some jungle love till you showed up. The usual plot goes like this - you’re wandering through the jungle looking for some signs of life. You stumble upon a tribe of women praying to the sun god for a man who can give them the good lovin. Enter stage right – you. So here’s what you need to do for that to happen. Get onto a boat and sink it (to keep in line with the story of course). Then swim a few thousand kilometres to the nearest deserted island. If it doesn’t look deserted enough , keep swimming till you find one. Once you’re satisfied, walk around till you find a group of women who have somehow managed to reproduce and spawn more blondes without a man around. Then it’s all easy going from there as you teach them the horny ways of the civilised world. All this while the chimpanzee choral symphony sing Pow Chicka Wow Wow in harmony on the side. See? Easy Peasy!

And one of our personal favourite – the best friend’s mom. You get to your friend’s place and surprise, surprise he’s not home. His mom is though. And if looks are anything to go by, she must have given birth to your friend when she was 10. She then proceeds to tell you that since her husband died in a freak accounting incident, she’s never had a man. During the next 60 minutes, she shows Mr Woody what it’s been missing. Now come back to the real world.

Close your eyes and think of your closest friend’s mother. Now picture her naked. Ok, after you’ve thrown up, we ask you another question? Why does your friend still stay with his mother?

Let’s go to the stunts.

The moves

First of all, we’re not equipped with drill bits like pornstars such as Peter North or Rocco Siffredi. We’re not expected to! The average Indian penis size is 10 cms or 4 inches. So stop tugging at the thing, you’re just fine. It’s just like any other movie you see on the silver screen. You exaggerate the drama because it’s entertainment. It’s just that in porn, they cast the exceptions to the rule. There’s no need to order that suction pump no more. All you need is some good moves and you’re good to go. It might also be prudent to hide your stash of porn from the missus, though. You don’t want her thinking that there are possibilities out there. What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

Coming back to the performances. You can’t go on for 45 minutes at a stretch without popping it. It’s just not human! Sure you can think of grandma, clean the pipes before hand, or even apply some gels. But to keep going on an on like the energizer bunny for that long is just plain ridiculous. Even if you could, you would wear your woman out before you know it. Nobody wants them 2 minutes noodles. But the agonisingly long baked potato isn’t so hot either. If you’ve got something searing in between, you’re good to go.

Then of course, there are the positions. Our legs JUST DON’T BEND THAT WAY. Perhaps it’s the magic of cinema. Or maybe they don’t have knee joints. If you want to try to put your own ankles behind your ears while doing the hula hoop and receiving fellatio at the same time, by all means, go ahead. But we did warn you, those stunts have been performed by professionals and should not be tried at home. You’d be better off driving a moped through a ring of fire. At least the little captain won’t be bent out of shape.

Then there are the locations that are viable for fornication. The forest - In all honesty, we’d be too busy looking out for snakes, bears and poison ivy before we’d even put on the Barry White CD and light our candles. And it’s a little weird doing it in front of rabbits. The kings of hump would probably judge us and our moves, which is a little unnerving.

Public transport is no easier. Considering how jam packed our buses and trains get, you will get action all right. The only problem is that you can’t control the sex of your partner. Or the positions you find yourself in. Common public transport sex positions, by default, are the ‘twisted donut’ the ‘straddling monkey’ and the ‘hernia patient’. You might not like it, but you take what you get.

A few notes before we end. Pornography is like a fairytale. It’s a make believe world that keeps us happy in our own freakish way. Maybe some of us get through our cruel and gruelling days hoping that some alignment of the planets will make our hot neighbour come over for salt and end up giving a little sugar. But here’s the good news. Truth is stranger than fiction. And stuff worthy of the erotic screens has been known to happen. When you least expect it, you could hit the jackpot. Who knows… tales of your sexcapades will be told far and wide. Till then, stay focused on the real world, and have fun while you’re at it.

PUBLISHED IN MAXIM, November 2011, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

COUNTRY ROADS, KILL ME NOW

Country music IS the devil's music. My roommate once played a whole set of country songs and Satan himself appeared before us.

But then he just begged us to switch those infernal sounds off.

True Story.

Anyway, I must have listened to a hundred country tracks. And that got me thinking.

Don't start applauding, I'm not done yet.

Country music has a pattern. A methodology of lyrics and sounds that sets it apart from normal people's music.

Listen to a couple of country tracks and you'll find that they either have:

• A Dog
• A ranch
• A donkey
• A woman who left him
• A woman who died
• Donkey / dog that left him.
• Donkey / dog that died.
• A woman who left with the dog on the donkey, and then died.
• A cowboy with emotional problems

Paint these lyrics with Texan colours and you have yerself a hit, y'all.

Of course, you are allowed to bring other animals and objects into the song at your own discretion. I've taken the trouble to make a table for you so you can get your country theme going (proof that spending a long weekend out of the house is more constructive).

Just randomly pick from each of the columns for your own country hit!

Let me know what topics you've chosen by leaving a comment behind.

Once you've mixed and matched your options, you should have something like

"My cow bobby-joe makes me wear lace panties everyday in the barn, and that's why I cry"

That my friend, is the theme/title to your new hit country song.

From now on the words don't matter. You can keep repeating the same line over and over again but remember to intersperse it with some guitar TWANGS.

They can't be strums or cool guitar riffs.

They have to be twangs.

twang [twæŋ] n: a sharp ringing sound produced by plucking of a taut string producing an effect as if the guitar is pleading the musician to stop what he’s doing.

Ok we're done. You're a country professional. Don't worry if people say you ain't talented. Talent's got nothing to do with country music.

Once you've made your platinum records and won your award at the cowboy Grammies, you know who to thank.

And the answer is NOT your donkey.

THINGS WOMEN WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND ABOUT MEN.

In the beginning God created Adam. After some thought and a lot of tinkering he pulled out a rib from the poor sod and created a pretty little thing called Eve. Eve never really got Adam. Apart from the fact that he had weird looking body parts, his thinking was radically different.

Eve wanted to cover his poker with a fig leaf. He preferred going commando. She preferred eating forbidden apples. He liked kobé beef with a side of bacon and potatoes. And the way he looked at some of the sheep made Eve very insecure about her looks.

Which wasn’t Adam’s intention…but it’s just a case in point that there are some things about men that women will never understand. Never. Fast forward to the 21 century and things are pretty much the same. Read on and see.

Shopping isn’t therapy for men. Women have a million excuses to shop. A 50% off sale. A party to go to. A chipped nail. A break-up. Or even swine flu. Men have one reason. We need new clothes. And there are clear rules as to when clothes become old. The colour should have faded to another colour that isn’t cool. A rip in our pants, if, and only if those pants are not denim. Ripped denims are absolutely fine. Lucky shirts are not to be replaced under any circumstances. The food stains have memories to them. And the moth eaten holes add character. We won’t replace it. You can’t make us. Even if you withhold sex. Ok… perhaps you can.

Men understand the healing properties of beer. Beer is the elixir of life. Beer heals the broken heart, the broken bone and is the answer to the cure for cancer, given that our researchers have downed enough beer. The best remedy to a hang-over? More beer! It makes your cooking more palatable. It keeps the Vatican going. Beer is not just an alcoholic beverage. For men, it’s a food group. Just like doughnuts and spare-ribs. It’s the main reason my birds chirp and snakes move in the groovy way they do. Beer – there’s just no denying it.

We’re not always analysing our relationship. Sometimes it’s just fine for us to stare at the ceiling and not think about taking the next step in our relationship. You know that intense contemplative look we get when we’re looking into the deep abyss of nothingness? There are three possibilities to what might be going on there. We’re either sulking over the loss of our favourite team. Or, we’re passing gas. And the most plausible… WE’RE NOT THINKING ANYTHING. That’s what we do. We zone out to a happy place of absolute nothingness. It’s a gift. Think of it as beans induced meditation.

We’re always ready for sex. You wanna know what’s a clear sign that we want nookie? We’re breathing. That’s the sign. It’s ok to wake us up for sex at any time. Absolutely any time. Nine times out of ten, sex takes precedence over sleep. The other one time we’re just recovering from a romp. And to be honest... some of us are good to go again. We don’t need a reason, a place, a mood or the proper lightning. We’re understanding beings. Football’s on? No problemo. That’s why Kamasutra was invented. So we can twist our bodies in such unimaginable ways that we can enjoy two things at once. A lil footy and a lil nookie.

We don’t know what a conditioner is. Seriously. What the fuck is it? We just got around the shampoo bit. Lather, rinse, repeat… we get it. Now conditioner? What does it condition? Or let’s take a step back. What does condition even mean? Men don’t get it. I’m not even sure we want to. Is it like a primer? Or a glaze? You know how you baste the chicken with butter to make it all shiny. Perhaps that’s what it does. Truth be told – it’s a ploy. If you don’t see a conditioner on our shelves, it’s because we refuse to bow down to corporate marketing gimmicks. All we need is our trusted old deo that promised to get us the chiquitas.

We’ll watch porn no matter how much sex we’re getting. Here’s the thing. What women see as pornographic movies, men see as educational video aids. It’s almost like a distance learning course. We’re always in this constant state of learning, absorbing what’s new, and putting into practice. So what if the teachers happen to be mutli-award winning porn stars Jenna Jameson and Jenna Haze? You know that new move we bring to the bedroom? We didn’t read that stuff in Readers Digest. We leaned that from ‘XXX Men – The rise of Erecto Magnifico.

Our obsessions with breasts. What’s not to like? They’re magical! They’re like everyday Christmas presents. Perhaps that’s why we’re fixated with the things. One stupid apple in the beginning of time and they’ve been covered for all eternity. If you’re hiding them, they must be special. If women started wearing ear-muffs all the time, we’d start paying good money just to see pictures of their ears. A woman would cross you in the park, and you’d turn to your friend as say “Check out the lobes on that chick!”

Why we don’t stop to ask for directions. A debatable study says that men have a little extra iron deposited in their bodies. And like a compass, we’re supposed to have a pretty good sense of direction. Well, theoretically at least. But truth be told, asking for directions is a sign of weakness. Men are always fighting to be pack leaders. The rest are supposed to look to us for help and assistance. Not the other way around. We’re supposed to know where things are. Most of us can find the fridge and toilet in the dark. A restaurant half way across town can’t be all that tough.

Why we don’t remember important dates and things. Again, men are always in a constant state of learning. Like sponges, we’re constantly absorbing data, mostly to make our better halves happy. But nobody can hold an infinite amount of information. Something’s gotta give. Effectively, for every new bit that is processed, something old has to go. We learn the answer to “Am I pretty” and we forget the answer to “Am I fat”. We learn your mother’s name, we forget our anniversary. We remember to pick up milk, we forget the shout out the right name in bed. It’s simple mathematics and we can’t be blamed for it.

The need to control the remote is in our man genes. It’s not something that can be treated. It’s the law of nature. Women might not know the proper technique of speed- flipping during commercials. How to watch two programs at once. Or even the specific volume levels for each program. For example every man knows that Sex and the City can be best enjoyed when the volume is at 2. And Die Hard ... 88 or even 89. These things are built into our DNA. So let us do what we do best and hand over the remote.

Men appreciate beauty in the most unlikely of places. The neighbour who steps out for a jog in a tank-top. The yoga instructor in flat 24-c in desperate need of opaque curtains. The girl with a tongue stud at the check-out counter. Women might misunderstand our roving eyes for being inconsiderate. Insensitive. Some even go to the extent of saying we objectify them. Well, excuse us for applauding God’s handy work. Us looking around is just our way of giving him a spiritual high-5.

Violence = entertainment. Movies about a hooker falling in love with a billionaire is a no-no. One about a girl falling in love with a bat and a wolf is also a pass. We’re born hunters. Get us close to the action. Aliens. Helicopters exploding. Cars crashing. Aliens crashing helicopters into cars. All we need is a semi-decent plot, a couple of explosions, all sprinkled with the integral sex scene. Safe to say, we’re flexible on the plot part. A flick with anything less than a paper-cut is not likely to get the adrenaline pumping.

We don’t know why you’re angry. So stop walking around in a huff saying “you know what you did.” We just don’t remember. Was it that reference to your mother being Satan’s spawn? Did we mention your weight? Is today our 140 month anniversary. Just come out and say it, because we’re not lying when we say We Don’t Know. Asking us to figure it out will just have us apologising for ridiculous stuff. “Honey, I’m sorry I took you out to dinner. I apologise if that man didn’t know you were just a bit bloated and not expecting twins.”

PUBLISHED IN MAXIM, November 2011, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

15 things you thoughts you knew... but really didn't.

Something else I wrote for Maxim

Everybody knows one of them. The Mr I- know- it- all- so- pass- me- my- wine- whilst- I- sip- on- it-with- my- pinky- finger- up. The guy who takes great efforts to never appear surprised. Well, here’s some trivia that’ll send the alcohol shooting right through his nostrils and onto his Spongebob tie.

1) Pluto is a planet.

It isn’t! I know what you’re thinking. WTF? Well apparently it’s a poser. A fake. Just like root beer, it can’t be trusted. So here’s the lowdown. One fine night when the bespectacled guys wielding telescopes were sitting around smoking the whacky tabbacky, one of them suddenly said “Wait a minute” Pluto, doesn’t make the cut. Now, Pluto is considered a dwarf planet and is part of something called the Kuiper Belt. But the whole thing is still debatable.

2) Porn stars don’t get camera shy

They do! Who would have thought? Sometimes it’s just hard in front of the camera. Not

literally. That’s why they have fluffers. Men and women who do what it takes to get the

actors ‘ready’ for the next shot. They’re usually armed with knee-pads and Listerine.

3) Cold showers and coffee will sober you up.

Shorry. Just like a relationship gone bad, only time will heal. According to credible sources (cough... google), it takes the body one hour to get the alcohol from one drink out of the body. Give a drunk a cuppa, and all your get is a wide awake drunk.

4) Eve offered an apple to Adam

She did send him down shit creek. But nowhere does it say in the bible that an apple was involved. All the book says is that it was ‘a’ fruit. It could have been a banana. Or an avocado. Or that smelly fruit you get in Bangkok.

5) Michael Jackson was a black man.

Well, we still love her music.

6) Size doesn’t matter

That’s what we keep telling ourselves, isn’t it? It’s what you do with it that counts. Well, the gifted don’t even have to try. They get it on like Donkey Kong without even trying. Not to discredit those of us who have our special moves, but could you really stand next to Moby over there and still feel confident?

7) Fire is the most important invention

Not even the wheel. Fermentation wins by a landslide. Alcohol – the solution to all of life’s problems. Except alcoholism and India’s dismal performance at hockey. But that’s still debatable.

8) The answer to “Do you think I’m fat?”

You’re wrong. Whatever your answer is, it’s wrong. Trust us; studies have proven that there is no possible right answer to this question. Replies like “No”, “Yes” and “Compared to what?” will all get you into some serious trouble.

9) Slaves built the pyramids

And you thought you knew your history. Nobody likes being whipped at work unless, that is, you have a really hot boss in leather. That’s why the Pharaohs hired people from around the area to help build the pyramids. Free men who couldn’t farm because of the flooding Nile. And they next best thing to do was lug stones around. True story.

10) Bats are blind

Apparently they see pretty darn good. Just not as well as humans. But they do use some form of sonar called echolocation when their eyesight fails them. So technically, the metaphor ‘as blind as a bat’ should actually be changed to ‘as visually impaired to some extent as a bat’.

11) Viking raped and pillaged

Get this... their average height was just around 5’7”. They weren’t all blonde. (Yes, Asterix did lie to us.) And these testosterone-packing, raping, pillaging beasts were mostly pussycats that were employed as farmers, craftsmen and traders. The Vikings that took the sea did pillage a little. But just a wee bit. And it was just one of their list of top ten things to do.

12) Lightening doesn’t strike twice in the same place.

It can. It does. Especially if there’s some sort of radio antenna perched up in a high place. So if you find yourself holding a metal rod on the Empire State Building (it could happen), and you’re struck by lightening, drop the rod and run like the wind.

13) Women don’t pass gas

They do. It’s one of them Ninja farts. Nobody knows when or how it happened. Apparently someone in Mexico actually caught a woman farting on tape. But rumour has it that if you watch the tape, you get a call immediately, and then you die in seven days.

14) Beer doesn’t kill brain cells

So, there are these people get paid to study beer. Great job right? Anyway, the latest study was to analyse the effects of beer on the brain cells. Assuming that the magic drink did not hinder the judgement of the ‘analysers’, it turns out that beer DOES NOT kill the brain cells. It affects the nerve connectors between them. But no damage to the brain cells. For the most part. Sustained abuse though is a different story.

15) Hotel California is about devil worship

It’s not about Lucifer. It’s not about killing the prince of darkness. It’s not even about a freakin hotel. The not-so-cool interpretation? It’s about hedonism and greed in Southern California in the 70s. The Eagles enjoyed the money, cars and women and then proceeded to tell the world how bad it all was.

Published in Maxim, August 2010, All Rights Reserved

11 DATES THAT EVERY GUY SHOULD REMEMBER

*Something I wrote for Maxim magazine a couple of months ago.*

Use post-its. Imprint them on your brain. Tattoo them on your body parts for all I care. Here is a list of dates that every guy should remember for the betterment of all mankind and possibly, world peace.

1) 14^th March - Steak and Blow job day

It’s what dreams are made of. Erotic dreams. Not the one about you showing up naked to work. Invented by Tom Birdsey, god bless his soul, this day has been dedicated to meat. Literally. It’s the perfect repartee to Valentine’s Day which, contrary to popular opinion, is not meant for lovers. Every intelligent guy knows Valentines was invented by women, for women only. Well, March 14^th is ours.

2) 12th March / 13th June - World Naked Bike Ride Day

People are protesting. And they’re protesting in the best way possible. Through the forceful and persuasive means of nakedness. And it’s time we join them. Bare as much as you want. Hop on to your bicycle. And remember to wear a helmet. You don’t want to hurt something. By the way, just in case you’re interested, they’re protesting oil dependency.

3) Every woman’s birthday

Well not every woman. That’s plain ridiculous. But you’re wife’s/ girlfriend’s, her mothers, both grandmothers on her side and your side and all female relatives on her side. Hey, we don’t make up the rules. We just follow them.

4) 5th August - International Beer Day

This may lead to some confusion, because a lot of us think that every day is beer day. Either way, International Beer Day is the day celebrated in August when it’s still warm enough to enjoy an ice cold beer as opposed to the Oktoberfest. Ways to celebrate include drinking beer (check), drinking beer with friends (check), and buying beer for others (WTF, it’s beer day again?). Lastly, tradition states that you greet someone by handing them a beer and saying “I bring you the gift of beer (you cheap shit)’ whilst smiling.

5) Fall 2010 – Launch of PlayStation Move

Fall is what saner people call September. And that’s when Sony hits the retail outlets with its answer to the Nintendo Wii. With better graphic support and a remote that pretty much looks like a vibrator, it’s fun for the whole family!

6) December 21st 2012 – The End of Something

The acting in 2012 may have been hammy, but the movie wasn’t entirely baseless. The Mayan Calendar’s 5125 year cycle ends on that date. Various interpretations have been proposed, right from an apocalypse to the ushering in a ‘Golden Era’ of spiritual elevation. Whatever be the case, we’ve warned you. So grab your alcohol stash, head into your bunker and come out when things have settled down.

7) 11th June 2010 - The Football World Cup

The greatest tournament of them all – The FIFA World Cup. For one month 32 teams from 5 continents will battle it out for world supremacy. Right now, we we can’t find 11 players from our own country of a billion to cheer. So pick a team with the hottest fans, call the blokes over and crack open an ice-cold one.

8) June 2010 - Volkswagen Bugatti Veyron in India.

Or somewhere around June. Bugatti happens to be the world’s first car to reach crotch numbing speeds of 400kmph. And if that doesn’t hurt your nether regions, get this... this beast carries a price tag of around 8 Crore. That’s gotta pinch a little.

9) Her ‘Special’ Date

AKA , the recurring monthly apocalypse. Know this date dear friend. Know it well. For it could spell the difference between life and death. Laughter and tears. All functional limbs vs broken ones. It’s vital to know when you need to shut up, stay out of the way and apologise at 30 second intervals for being alive.

10) 19th November - International Men’s Day

You said it! We finally get our due. Women get a day. Mothers get a day. Every dog has its day. Heck, we’re pretty sure that leprechauns have a day dedicated to themselves. But finally, someone out there has recognised the work we put there to make this world a better place. Regardless of the fact that the objective of Men’s Day is to promote gender equality and men’s health, we’re interpreting it the way we want to. ‘Honey, pass me the remote please. I think my naked butt is stuck to the couch.’

11) August 5^th / Feb 9^th – Underwear Day

It IS a national celebrated day. Perhaps not in our country. But still. The residents of New York and Brazil think it’s pretty damn important to step out in your underwear. And who better to lead the way, than underwear models. (You’ve got to love this planet.) Now if we can just get enough of us to sign a petition to start underwear day right here.