Saturday, July 10, 2010


*Something I wrote for Maxim magazine a couple of months ago.*

Use post-its. Imprint them on your brain. Tattoo them on your body parts for all I care. Here is a list of dates that every guy should remember for the betterment of all mankind and possibly, world peace.

1) 14th March - Steak and Blow job day

It’s what dreams are made of. Erotic dreams. Not the one about you showing up naked to work. Invented by Tom Birdsey, god bless his soul, this day has been dedicated to meat. Literally. It’s the perfect repartee to Valentine’s Day which, contrary to popular opinion, is not meant for lovers. Every intelligent guy knows Valentines was invented by women, for women only. Well, March 14th is ours.

2) 12th March / 13th June - World Naked Bike Ride Day

People are protesting. And they’re protesting in the best way possible. Through the forceful and persuasive means of nakedness. And it’s time we join them. Bare as much as you want. Hop on to your bicycle. And remember to wear a helmet. You don’t want to hurt something. By the way, just in case you’re interested, they’re protesting oil dependency.

3) Every woman’s birthday

Well not every woman. That’s plain ridiculous. But you’re wife’s/ girlfriend’s, her mothers, both grandmothers on her side and your side and all female relatives on her side. Hey, we don’t make up the rules. We just follow them.

4) 5th August - International Beer Day

This may lead to some confusion, because a lot of us think that every day is beer day. Either way, International Beer Day is the day celebrated in August when it’s still warm enough to enjoy an ice cold beer as opposed to the Oktoberfest. Ways to celebrate include drinking beer (check), drinking beer with friends (check), and buying beer for others (WTF, it’s beer day again?). Lastly, tradition states that you greet someone by handing them a beer and saying “I bring you the gift of beer (you cheap shit)’ whilst smiling.

5) Fall 2010 – Launch of PlayStation Move

Fall is what saner people call September. And that’s when Sony hits the retail outlets with its answer to the Nintendo Wii. With better graphic support and a remote that pretty much looks like a vibrator, it’s fun for the whole family!

6) December 21st 2012 – The End of Something

The acting in 2012 may have been hammy, but the movie wasn’t entirely baseless. The Mayan Calendar’s 5125 year cycle ends on that date. Various interpretations have been proposed, right from an apocalypse to the ushering in a ‘Golden Era’ of spiritual elevation. Whatever be the case, we’ve warned you. So grab your alcohol stash, head into your bunker and come out when things have settled down.

7) 11th June 2010 - The Football World Cup

The greatest tournament of them all – The FIFA World Cup. For one month 32 teams from 5 continents will battle it out for world supremacy. Right now, we we can’t find 11 players from our own country of a billion to cheer. So pick a team with the hottest fans, call the blokes over and crack open an ice-cold one.

8) June 2010 - Volkswagen Bugatti Veyron in India.

Or somewhere around June. Bugatti happens to be the world’s first car to reach crotch numbing speeds of 400kmph. And if that doesn’t hurt your nether regions, get this... this beast carries a price tag of around 8 Crore. That’s gotta pinch a little.

9) Her ‘Special’ Date

AKA , the recurring monthly apocalypse. Know this date dear friend. Know it well. For it could spell the difference between life and death. Laughter and tears. All functional limbs vs broken ones. It’s vital to know when you need to shut up, stay out of the way and apologise at 30 second intervals for being alive.

10) 19th November - International Men’s Day

You said it! We finally get our due. Women get a day. Mothers get a day. Every dog has its day. Heck, we’re pretty sure that leprechauns have a day dedicated to themselves. But finally, someone out there has recognised the work we put there to make this world a better place. Regardless of the fact that the objective of Men’s Day is to promote gender equality and men’s health, we’re interpreting it the way we want to. ‘Honey, pass me the remote please. I think my naked butt is stuck to the couch.’

11) August 5th / Feb 9th – Underwear Day

It IS a national celebrated day. Perhaps not in our country. But still. The residents of New York and Brazil think it’s pretty damn important to step out in your underwear. And who better to lead the way, than underwear models. (You’ve got to love this planet.) Now if we can just get enough of us to sign a petition to start underwear day right here.