Sunday, November 26, 2006

Cinemagic

It’s like all the scriptwriters refer to the same book. Look up some formulae, put some of them together and voila. A movie.
Uno Problemo.
Too many scriptwriters, too few formulae.
Hence ladies and gentlemen, the origin of clich├ęs.
I’ve documented some of these & titled them for your reading pleasure.

1) Dead Funny Guy
The comic relief in the horror/thriller movie has to die. Being a pseudo funny guy myself, I find this unfair. I hear ‘we’ don’t even get paid much. ‘You’ guys totally take us for granted and I’m calling for a strike of all funny people. Ok, back to the titles.

2) Dead Daddy Cop
Any cop, especially a retired one pulling out a photograph from his wallet that oh so lovingly portrays his wife and kids will be dead in the next 15 minutes. His partner of course will then get some nookie and later on avenge his death. Oh yeah, throw in an incompatible new partner for good measure.

3) Friggin Peekaboo Kitty
This one really bugs me. Horror / Thriller movies. Against all logic and reason, the soon-to-be-dead-person decides to SLOWLY look under the bed or in the closet.
Looking slowly… slowly… slooowlyy. Kapow! Kitty appears, brandishing her claws and meowing a lot.
Damn you kitty. Shouldn’t you be out getting some with the neighbour’s cat? Get a life. Or 9 of them.

4) I know how you died last summer
When the antagonist goes down, it has to be big. And you’ll know how it happens before it actually does.
If there’s a sharp object in the vicinity, he will get impaled on it.
If they’re on a building, he will fall off it
Budget permitting he will fall through a glass house, into a swimming pool.
Stricter budgets dictate that he will fall on a parked car.
If he’s a specialist at something, he will die at his own game. Evil bomb specialists will be bombed to glory. And killers with hockey masks will be beaten really badly at hockey and hence die of shame.

5) Blabbermouth Baddie
And oldie but goodie.
Tie up the good guy… but don’t kill him. That ain’t fun.
And besides, only 5 minutes of the movie are up.
So you tie him, devise a series of linked operations that will kill him eventually. But before that – reveal your evil plot.
Eg: Baddie ties goodie to a chair. Next to him a candle slowly burns a rope. When the rope burns, it releases an anvil that falls down on a small catapult that launches a knife into the air and cuts off the phone wire. Good guy’s mom walks in a week later and kills him herself for not calling her to find out how she is.
But BEFORE all that baddie says “ So Bruce, you thought you could catch me. Well, much before you die, I’m gonna kidnap the funny guy in this movie and kill him. Because hey, I hate funny guys. He’s gonna be home right now updating his blog, and I’ll sneak in through the window at 11:23 pm and poison his stash of Goan sausages in the fridge.”
Man, I love goan sausages. Mmmmmmm.

6) I’m so hot and there’s no one around to see it.
Hotties wearing skimpy outfits will travel in trains that will be devoid of an other passengers. Incredible as it is, just that one hottie is traveling. If it’s in a city, she will choose to walk down a deserted alley.
Better still, she will choose the shortcut through the park at 3 in the morning.
Why I ask you. You’ve gone through the trouble of swearing practically nothing. Move around places where there are tons of guys! Specifically - soon to be dead funny guys.

Have anymore, write in.
Ciao for now and all that jazz and stuff.

Friday, November 17, 2006



It's a rhino by the way. And, I tried to get a little more realistic with the sun this time.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Sing Song Sucks

Hello People,
It's been some time since I've tortured you with my seemingly endless source of crap.
Been busy quitting my job. Yes, it’s a process.
Anyway, here we go again. Have any of you guys actually heard the words of the songs that you listen to?
Well, yesterday as I sat doing my nails, perming my hair and laying out my underwear for the week… I heard this song by someone who goes by the name of Ricky Martin.
And he was singing a song called Shake your Bon Bons.
Question.
What are Bon Bons? Does everybody have a bon bon. Is that a good thing? Is it a gender oriented thingy? I'm pretty sure I don't have a bon bon.
If I did.. I wouldn't call it a bon bon anyway. It's too panzy-ish.
How about that Michael Bolten chappy -"Can I touch you there."
Where Mikey? Please tell us... . If you're referring to my bons bons - the answer is NO WAY HOSEY!Besides... i'm too busy shaking them to kingdom come. Oh Oh.. .and can someone please tell me what the lil boy is saying when he sings.. "You say it best when you say nothing at all."
Isn't that an insult? Isn't he saying… I love it when you shut up coz the birds come out to sing and the sun shines brighter?
Perhaps they’re all metaphors.
Like 2 steps behind - written by the stalker.
Annies Song – written by the alcoholic
Janie’s got a gun – by the jealous transvestite
Anyone got anymore? Oh.. and please do write in if you figure out what bon bons are.
Ciao.

Sunday, November 05, 2006


No, i'm not obsessed with animals doing it. No, those arn't cows udders, it's the sun. And NO, those arn't rats. They're doggies. German shephards actually. Yeah... a yellow one and a purple one.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Modern-ish Art

Who can weave a story around this one? Extra points for guessing what the woman (yes that's a woman) is wearing.

Passing Thought

I think cancerians have the short end of the stick.
Why do we have to be named after a fatal disease?
I take that back - VIRGO's. Now they have a fatal disease.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Nusery Rhymes - Part 1 and 1.5

I was drinking the other day (yeah yeah.. so whats new) and thinking about nursery rhymes. Yeah. Revving up the grey cells.
Serendipity! It struck me like a goose flying north inthe winter. They've taught us to be stupid from day one!
Get this....." Twinkle twinkle little star... how I wonder what you are!" You just said it! STAR!!!! What the f*** do you mean " how i wonder what you are?" Shmuck!
How about.. "Baa Baa black sheep have you any wool? What else you f***ing moron? You think sheep start growing nylon after 40 and a couple of more years it gets to silk? And you've got to double check by asking the damn sheep? Like he's gonna tell you the truth!
Sheep: "No Jon.... it 50% wool and 50 percent man made fibres... do not wash in hot water or give to the dhobi" Hah! Double hah!
I got one more. A phrase. "A stitch in time saves nine"
Nine what?
People?
Are you trying to tell me that instead ofsending in the troops to iraq Bush should have sent in a couple of hundrerd seamstresses????? What the bejeezes is the world coming too. And i've only just begun scraping the surface! Your comments are welcome!
The Seer,
Jonathan

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Conspiracy! ... it's all coming to me.. in a flurry! Like lots of horny roosters chasing a harrowed hen. So yesterday.. i started a little early celebrating of the ending of the week ( wednesday's not all tha far from a saturday) and after a couple of beers at 6:30 in the evening (the sun was still up!) i jotted down a coouple of more things.
So if you ain't fed-up of Jonathan's ruminations. here are summore.
I've got more of them society's screwing up our mind thingies. ... For example : Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.
What the hell WAS JILL thinking? She saw the dude falling down and cracking his nut. Probably suffering from multiple fractures. Brain hemorrhaging... and she’s going.. Hey that must be fun.. let me try it! Halloo? I’m sure they didn’t go up there to fetch no pail of water. They were probably went up there to light a joint, when jack said.." you know Jill babe.. I can fly"
And she say.. " uhhh...No way dude"
And he says.. "yeah babe...I show you" .Oops.
And then Jill didn’t want to be left out. So she spreads her hands out ,, says.. look at my big bird impression and down she goes too!
How’s about Rock a bye baby on the tree top….. when the bough breaks the cradle will fall.. down will come baby cradle and all.
Take into consideration… this is a child who’s suffering from a sleep disorder we’re talking about. So what we’re telling him is - We’re Gonna put you high up on a branch, …if you suffer from Vertigo.. I care a rats ass. Then I’m gonna take a chain saw and hack off the branch but blame it on the breeze. And you’re gonna come falling down till *splat*. Okie Dokie.. Gnite sweety!
Oh by the way.. i'm working on my own nusery rhymes that are not only intelligent but realistic... coming soon.