Every self respecting man has watched his fare share of porn. We’ve downloaded, bought, borrowed and lived vicariously through our HD TVs and computer screens. What some of us, however, fail to understand is that no amount of finger crossing, lamp rubbing or praying will ever make the events on screen happen to you. There are more chances of Oprah appearing on Playboy than any of those things occurring to you, dear horny friend. Besides, some of the details in those stories are little bit of a stretch. Let’s start of with the characters, for instance.
Seriously, nurses do not look like that! They don’t wear short skirts. They don’t leave the tops of their uniforms unbuttoned. Also, we’re pretty sure they don’t shave. And we’re not talking about the crotchular area. Facial hair, legs, hands, backs… the works. There is some good news though if you’re into playing around with your derriere. If you ask nicely, we’re sure they’ll be more than willing to give you an enema.
And when a teacher in real life says she will “punish you appropriately after class”, chances are, she’s going punish the shit out of you after class. The bitch slaps and rulers to the knuckles are the closest you’re gonna get to S&M. Moreover, Miss Matthews does not, and will never bend down in front of you to pick up chalk. If she did, you’d really wish she hadn’t. That sort of imagery will leave behind scars for the rest of your life.
Let’s move on to the latino maids. There are none over here. Instead of Izabelle, we have mother-of-six, rolling pin aficionado - Kantabai. Don’t be mistaken… we love her! Kantabai is someone who cooks, cleans, takes out the garbage and basically puts our lives in order. Why would we want to screw up that relationship? She would not be cool with you filming her cleaning the house naked. So don’t even try.
Then there’s also the 18 year old girl scout. We’ve never seen here. Not only is she as fictional as Santa Clause, you’d get as many sexual favours from, as you would the fat man. So stop waiting by the door. Here’s the harsh reality. The only strangers to knock at your door will be the milkman with his bill, the electricity guy with his bill, the newspaper guy with his bill, and the tax evasion guys. Get out and earn your nookie like everyone else.
The old ‘doing it with your female boss in the office after working hours’ plot. Forget about it. First of all, there’s a 0.0025 % chance that you’re going to be hired by a playboy bunny boss. And a 0.0005 % chance that she’s going to punish you for that shabby report by taking off her clothes.
Joining dominos will also not increase your chances of getting some tail on the side. So don’t give up your day job. Cmmon.. be realistic! If she’s ordering pizza, she’s probably not alone. Secondly, she definitely has money at home. So there’s no way in hell she’s going to offer to pay you through other services. Besides, do you think a lady with burning loins out there will be looking to sleep with someone who’s publicly advertising that they’d come the quickest? We think not.
How about the photographer who gets in models and sweet talks them into taking their clothes off for a few aesthetic shots. And then bumps uglies with them. In reality, you will need a professional studio. With the real estate rates these days, that alone will kill your mojo. Then you need to invest in equipment to at least give the illusion that you know what you’re doing. And if you do manage to set everything up and rake a girl in, write to us from jail and tell us what kind of lens you used. Who knows we’ll even mail you a free issue of Maxim while you’re in the can.
Owner of the love mobile. So you’re driving around in your run-down van asking random hot chicks to hop in the back. Then after a few jokes they hump your friend’s brains out while you drive around town nonchalantly. There are a few small flaws here. Random hot chicks usually come with balding men driving porches. It’s a packaged deal. They’ve never heard of walking. Secondly, they’re not going to get into your matchbox on wheels. Not even if you told them that there’s a leprechaun with a pot of diamonds in the back seat. Thirdly, with the price of petrol, how the hell in anyone going to drive around till your friend gets his groove on. Fourthly, where are you going to find an empty road in an Indian city? Fifthly, who in their right minds would opt to be a driver, while someone else gets the action? Another myth debunked, thanks to the scientists of porn right here at Maxim, thank you very much.
Then there’s the one about being stranded on an island full of naked hot tribal blondes who haven’t had some jungle love till you showed up. The usual plot goes like this - you’re wandering through the jungle looking for some signs of life. You stumble upon a tribe of women praying to the sun god for a man who can give them the good lovin. Enter stage right – you. So here’s what you need to do for that to happen. Get onto a boat and sink it (to keep in line with the story of course). Then swim a few thousand kilometres to the nearest deserted island. If it doesn’t look deserted enough , keep swimming till you find one. Once you’re satisfied, walk around till you find a group of women who have somehow managed to reproduce and spawn more blondes without a man around. Then it’s all easy going from there as you teach them the horny ways of the civilised world. All this while the chimpanzee choral symphony sing Pow Chicka Wow Wow in harmony on the side. See? Easy Peasy!
And one of our personal favourite – the best friend’s mom. You get to your friend’s place and surprise, surprise he’s not home. His mom is though. And if looks are anything to go by, she must have given birth to your friend when she was 10. She then proceeds to tell you that since her husband died in a freak accounting incident, she’s never had a man. During the next 60 minutes, she shows Mr Woody what it’s been missing. Now come back to the real world.
Close your eyes and think of your closest friend’s mother. Now picture her naked. Ok, after you’ve thrown up, we ask you another question? Why does your friend still stay with his mother?
Let’s go to the stunts.
First of all, we’re not equipped with drill bits like pornstars such as Peter North or Rocco Siffredi. We’re not expected to! The average Indian penis size is 10 cms or 4 inches. So stop tugging at the thing, you’re just fine. It’s just like any other movie you see on the silver screen. You exaggerate the drama because it’s entertainment. It’s just that in porn, they cast the exceptions to the rule. There’s no need to order that suction pump no more. All you need is some good moves and you’re good to go. It might also be prudent to hide your stash of porn from the missus, though. You don’t want her thinking that there are possibilities out there. What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.
Coming back to the performances. You can’t go on for 45 minutes at a stretch without popping it. It’s just not human! Sure you can think of grandma, clean the pipes before hand, or even apply some gels. But to keep going on an on like the energizer bunny for that long is just plain ridiculous. Even if you could, you would wear your woman out before you know it. Nobody wants them 2 minutes noodles. But the agonisingly long baked potato isn’t so hot either. If you’ve got something searing in between, you’re good to go.
Then of course, there are the positions. Our legs JUST DON’T BEND THAT WAY. Perhaps it’s the magic of cinema. Or maybe they don’t have knee joints. If you want to try to put your own ankles behind your ears while doing the hula hoop and receiving fellatio at the same time, by all means, go ahead. But we did warn you, those stunts have been performed by professionals and should not be tried at home. You’d be better off driving a moped through a ring of fire. At least the little captain won’t be bent out of shape.
Then there are the locations that are viable for fornication. The forest - In all honesty, we’d be too busy looking out for snakes, bears and poison ivy before we’d even put on the Barry White CD and light our candles. And it’s a little weird doing it in front of rabbits. The kings of hump would probably judge us and our moves, which is a little unnerving.
Public transport is no easier. Considering how jam packed our buses and trains get, you will get action all right. The only problem is that you can’t control the sex of your partner. Or the positions you find yourself in. Common public transport sex positions, by default, are the ‘twisted donut’ the ‘straddling monkey’ and the ‘hernia patient’. You might not like it, but you take what you get.
A few notes before we end. Pornography is like a fairytale. It’s a make believe world that keeps us happy in our own freakish way. Maybe some of us get through our cruel and gruelling days hoping that some alignment of the planets will make our hot neighbour come over for salt and end up giving a little sugar. But here’s the good news. Truth is stranger than fiction. And stuff worthy of the erotic screens has been known to happen. When you least expect it, you could hit the jackpot. Who knows… tales of your sexcapades will be told far and wide. Till then, stay focused on the real world, and have fun while you’re at it.
PUBLISHED IN MAXIM, November 2011, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.