Sunday, November 23, 2008
Alright, a quick explanation. There’s a brand of sanitary pads called Whisper. Their new line of communication ends with “Have a happy period!”
It is definitely not a woman who has written the line. Because, if it were, she would have known that IT IS NEVER HAPPY.
Nothing will ever make it happy.
I’m not going to pretend that I know a lot about a woman’s periods, but I know enough to dispense information to lesser mortals.
1) Don’t attempt to make it right. There is nothing to make right. Therefore you can’t make it right. Get my drift?
2) Be nice. But not too nice. And don’t be unsympathetic either. Don’t disappear thinking that if you’re out of the way you’re making things better. I’ve got a rhyme here to help you out if you’re confused.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Don’t think a knock to the nuts is pain, that’s not real pain, you’ll never know this kind of pain you sissy boy, so don’t say or do anything unless you’re asked to.
Memorise that, and you’re good to go.
3) Reference. Never refer to it as “it” or “that time”. I gotten into serious trouble for saying things like “Is it over yet?” As if it were a bad movie. Other things you should avoid saying are
“So whatcha saying is… no nookie tonight?”
“ I’ll come back in a couple of days when the real you is back.”
“The ad said that if you used one of these you could run the marathon. Why arn;t you running any marathons?”
4) If she starts crying, it’s either because her hormones are gone out of whack, or she’s experiencing pain equivalent to poking needles through your spine. Hence it might be prudent not to talk about your own suffering during this time.
For example, don’t come home and say “I got this paper cut today and maaaaan… it hurt sooooo bad.” Unless a truck ran over you, followed by a steam roller, and then a marching band, keep it to yourself. Else, trust me, that’s when you’re going to feel Real Pain.
And lastly, women, you’ve got to let us know what we should be doing, because, in all honesty, we’re clueless. A period, according to us, is this thing --> .
A little education, suggestions on what to do, a list of what not to do, and I think we’ll be one step closer to the illusory happiness that 'they' keeps talking about.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Spammers are starting to lose it.
Just last week I got a mail asking me to increase my mortgage by two inches.
What exactly are these guys trying to accomplish by sending us this crap?
I got a bit curious and actually went through my spam messages.
What I found was a goldmine!
If you’re ever having a bad day at work, or you’re bored, or you need to do weird things to your manhood / womanhood, CHECK YOUR SPAM.
Collated a few here and interpreted them so you don’t have to run the risk of opening your own spam.
By the way, I haven’t made up these SPAM titles. They’re all real.
Get ready – this shit’s funny.
Stir up a passion in her heart with your magic wand.
There’s a small flaw here. You can’t really stir with a wand. You can make a bunny appear though, but I don’t think bunnies can help you out it bed. What they should have said is stir up a passion in her heart with your magic wooden ladle.
Huge love maker has become unbelievably real!
These guys are working under the assumption that it wasn’t real before. I have no genitals. My office will not have a problem with me playing with myself at my desk. Because, hey, it ain’t real!
Dont waste your life with your right hand.
What do you mean? My right hand is not trust worthy? It’s the good-for-nothing hand. The one that my mother warned me about? I can’t really walk out on my hand can I? Sure ol’ ‘lefty will always be by my side. But righty has been there through good times and bad. You’re not so bad dude.
Supersize your little babymaker!
What? Do they have a camera in my house? Why is EVERYONE calling it little? What I like about it though, is the reference to burgers at a fastfood joint. Supersize it. With fries and a large coke please. And take-away please, got to make me some babies with me right hand.
Enlarge your PE and your mind will follow!
Hmmmm… PE. What could that be? Enlarge your perimeter?
Enlarge your Penguin? (Do we have penguins on this side of the world?)
Enlarge your Pentagram? (in case you’ve inducted more people in your devil worshipping group)
Enlarge your Peanuts.
I’m going with peanuts. Because, hey, nobody likes small peanuts and small minds.
Your new baby-maker scores more!
Now it’s getting a wee bit confusing. First they say it’s imaginary. Now they’re telling me that ‘he’s’ playing a game down there. And something that they’re offering is going to help him win apparently. Don’t get me wrong. I want him to win. I just like to know what the game is. Volleyball is a definite no-no.
You guys got anymore? I’d love to see them. Just check your spam and paste them here. Ciao for now.
By the way, winner of the cowboy country contest was Alicia Colaco. Beer coming your way.