Something else I wrote for Maxim
Everybody knows one of them. The Mr I- know- it- all- so- pass- me- my- wine- whilst- I- sip- on- it-with- my- pinky- finger- up. The guy who takes great efforts to never appear surprised. Well, here’s some trivia that’ll send the alcohol shooting right through his nostrils and onto his Spongebob tie.
1) Pluto is a planet.
It isn’t! I know what you’re thinking. WTF? Well apparently it’s a poser. A fake. Just like root beer, it can’t be trusted. So here’s the lowdown. One fine night when the bespectacled guys wielding telescopes were sitting around smoking the whacky tabbacky, one of them suddenly said “Wait a minute” Pluto, doesn’t make the cut. Now, Pluto is considered a dwarf planet and is part of something called the Kuiper Belt. But the whole thing is still debatable.
2) Porn stars don’t get camera shy
They do! Who would have thought? Sometimes it’s just hard in front of the camera. Not
literally. That’s why they have fluffers. Men and women who do what it takes to get the
actors ‘ready’ for the next shot. They’re usually armed with knee-pads and Listerine.
3) Cold showers and coffee will sober you up.
Shorry. Just like a relationship gone bad, only time will heal. According to credible sources (cough... google), it takes the body one hour to get the alcohol from one drink out of the body. Give a drunk a cuppa, and all your get is a wide awake drunk.
4) Eve offered an apple to Adam
She did send him down shit creek. But nowhere does it say in the bible that an apple was involved. All the book says is that it was ‘a’ fruit. It could have been a banana. Or an avocado. Or that smelly fruit you get in
5) Michael Jackson was a black man.
Well, we still love her music.
6) Size doesn’t matter
That’s what we keep telling ourselves, isn’t it? It’s what you do with it that counts. Well, the gifted don’t even have to try. They get it on like Donkey Kong without even trying. Not to discredit those of us who have our special moves, but could you really stand next to Moby over there and still feel confident?
7) Fire is the most important invention
Not even the wheel. Fermentation wins by a landslide. Alcohol – the solution to all of life’s problems. Except alcoholism and
8) The answer to “Do you think I’m fat?”
You’re wrong. Whatever your answer is, it’s wrong. Trust us; studies have proven that there is no possible right answer to this question. Replies like “No”, “Yes” and “Compared to what?” will all get you into some serious trouble.
9) Slaves built the pyramids
And you thought you knew your history. Nobody likes being whipped at work unless, that is, you have a really hot boss in leather. That’s why the Pharaohs hired people from around the area to help build the pyramids. Free men who couldn’t farm because of the flooding
10) Bats are blind
Apparently they see pretty darn good. Just not as well as humans. But they do use some form of sonar called echolocation when their eyesight fails them. So technically, the metaphor ‘as blind as a bat’ should actually be changed to ‘as visually impaired to some extent as a bat’.
11) Viking raped and pillaged
Get this... their average height was just around 5’7”. They weren’t all blonde. (Yes, Asterix did lie to us.) And these testosterone-packing, raping, pillaging beasts were mostly pussycats that were employed as farmers, craftsmen and traders. The Vikings that took the sea did pillage a little. But just a wee bit. And it was just one of their list of top ten things to do.
12) Lightening doesn’t strike twice in the same place.
It can. It does. Especially if there’s some sort of radio antenna perched up in a high place. So if you find yourself holding a metal rod on the
13) Women don’t pass gas
They do. It’s one of them Ninja farts. Nobody knows when or how it happened. Apparently someone in
14) Beer doesn’t kill brain cells
So, there are these people get paid to study beer. Great job right? Anyway, the latest study was to analyse the effects of beer on the brain cells. Assuming that the magic drink did not hinder the judgement of the ‘analysers’, it turns out that beer DOES NOT kill the brain cells. It affects the nerve connectors between them. But no damage to the brain cells. For the most part. Sustained abuse though is a different story.
15) Hotel California is about devil worship
It’s not about Lucifer. It’s not about killing the prince of darkness. It’s not even about a freakin hotel. The not-so-cool interpretation? It’s about hedonism and greed in
Published in Maxim, August 2010, All Rights Reserved
