Technology is moving at a pace faster than you can
get your pants off in front of a naked woman. Things only imaginable in movies
are already available to the public. Phones that at like your personal
assistant. Porn at a click of a button.Dead celebrities coming back to perform
as holograms. There’s nothing you can rule out as incredulous anymore. That’s
why we’ve come up with our list of inventions that we can’t wait to see out
there. And while they might seem bizarre, remember, this is the 21st
century and impossible has been rendered obsolete.
THE
DREAM SEQUENCER
Another
one on the Maxim wish list. Here’s how it’s supposed to work. You feed in
what you would like your dreams to involve, broadly. While you drift into REM
sleep, the sequencer takes over. In Maxim scientific terminology, the Dream
Sequencer would then control the neurons effecting the neurotransmitter signals
to the brain as well as other stuff that we’re too lazy to read off wiki. End
result – we can dream all the sex stuff we want, on demand! It’s your
brain… anything goes. And if you’re still getting shot down by the office
hottie in your own head, there’s no way we can help you. You agreed to the
terms and conditions. No refunds.
THE
TELEPORTER
Nobody’s
figured it out as yet, but you never know. While most people would waste one
end of the teleporting machine by placing it at the work place, we think that’s
a humungous waste of this precious gift. Why the hell would you want to get to
work faster? We say place one end next to your bed. The other next to the
fridge. Roll out, grab a beer, roll back in in. As long as you don’t merge with
the beer on reverse teleportation, like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly. Although, on
second thought, a guy-beer hybrid would be another cool idea. We should really
patent this stuff before somebody else does.
THE TV
GRABITECH
If you
thought taping your favourite shows or forwarding through commercials was
brilliant, the TV Grabitech will blow your mind. We were leaning towards
the name ‘TV Grabber’, but Grabitech makes it sound like there’s some uber-cool
technology involved. See something you like on TV – just grab it from the
screen! Like what Nigella Lawson is cooking, grab a bite. Heck, you can grab
Nigella if you like. Move the desk in front of ArnabGoswami to see if he’s
really wearing pants behind there. Or simply flick Celine Dion’s forehead just
to piss the shit outta her. Screw 3D. This is interactive TV at it’s best.
THE
WOMAN INTERPRETER
Like
ear-buds, they fit into your ears. And voila, it’s like we’re speaking the same
language. We’ll finally be able to understand what they’re saying.
Especially when they say things like “Yes”, “No”, or “You don’t hang out with
my friends enough.” Which, strangely enough, means, “I think we should get
married.” The next time she sends you out to bring something from the store,
you will come back with exactly what she wanted! Through the simple process of
hearing, interpreting and executing. You can now say goodbye to ambiguity
thanks to the Woman Interpreter.
PORKUN
It’s
only a matter of time till it happens. They already have a liger. But eating a
mix of a lion and a tiger might get the PETA boys a little pissed off. So
here’s the plan. Pork and mutton – porkun. And we’re pretty sure our
geneticists can figure it out. Just get the pig and the sheep in the same room,
barn, whatever. A few candles around. Some soft Barry White in the background.
A little farm nookie and what do we get? The best of both meats all wrapped up
in one freak of nature. Mmmmm… Kentuky Fried Porkun. Remember, you heard it
here first.
THE
INVISIBILITY CLOAK
If you’re thinking of sneaking into the girls changing room, well… nyeh.
Too clichéd. We’re thinking of turning it up a notch. We’re real men. We could
get all the naked girls we want. But how about free gas at the pump,
considering petrol costs as much as rocket fuel now. Or even when your
girlfriend’s husband comes home. No more
roughing it out in the closet or risking the 20ft jump from the window with a
boner. Just put on the invisibility cloak and waltz out after helping yourself
to some of his beer.
THE
DECISIONATOR
It’s your personal
robot that comes back from the future to stop you from doing questionable
things in the present. He could be just like the Terminator but without the Austrian
accent. So you’re in a committed relationship, yet find yourself in a naked
situation with another girl. The Decisionater comes back just in time and
terminates your wife / girlfriend to make what you’re doing absolutely moral.
Of course he could just pull you out of the compromising situation but that
depends on what settings the Decisionator is on. Suppose you’re out with the
gang and probably had too much to drink. Your favourite song comes up and you
decide that you’re going to bust out the moves. The Decisionator would break
your legs leaving you with your dignity. He’s like the best friend who you
never have to pick up the tab for.
THE
TORRENT FRIDGE
Sometimes
you can buy the movie for free. And some people, we don’t know who these fiends
are, download them for free through torrents. The Torrent fridge is the same
thing, but with food. You want a rack of spare ribs? Do a search, and download
one from the best source. Nobody likes them bootleg dishes. Depending on your
Ingredient Service Provider, download speeds may vary. All you need to do is
queue up food before you head to work. Come back to your fridge and tadaa! And
be a good soul and leave your fridge on for others to download from. Preferably
stocked with something that doesn’t have fuzzy stuff growing out of it and it’s
own ecosystem.
THE
BARRY WHITENER
Women
love men who can sing. A great voice can pick up the slack of your looks. But
not all of us have a voice that can melt a heart and undress a woman. That’s
where the Barry Whitener comes in. It’s a small box that hangs around your neck
with several options at your disposal. Need to have her swooning, hit the switch
on to Barry White and let the sexual healing commence. And the best part is you
can change the voice to your preference. Need to sound local? Turn it to Sonu
Nigam. A voice that’s high on mushrooms? Set it to Anu Malik. Courting a young
lesbian? Now you can sound like a teenage girl with the Bieber setting. With
120 voices available, you will be spoilt for choice.
THE
PROXY THINNER
This
nifty invention will be the end to our biggest nemesis. Exercise. It’s an
armour of sorts that lets you exercise by proxy. Available in pairs, you and a
willing buddy need to suit up simultaneously.
Next, while your pal runs around the block, building muscle and burning
fat, you reap all the benefits. Off set the bacon you’re devouring by sending
your best friend to the gym. What are friends for if they can’t gift you a sick
pack and a few triceps while you help yourself to a burger? Choose your friends
wisely just in case they ask for the favour to be returned. Remember, a friend
with a treadmill is a friend indeed.
SIRIBRO
It’s
an app on your phone that’s your own personal bro. Unlike apple’s Siri, this
one will actually be able to understand what you’re saying and even perform
voice commands! Crazy huh? But more importantly it will perform all the
functions that a bro should. Sending a drunk text? SiriBro will filter it or
defer sending it till the following morning. Wearing questionable clothes, the
app will intervene with“ Bro, leave the bell bottoms back in the 70s”. Hitting
on a friend’s girl? SiriBro, will taze the head that you’re thinking with.
Because that’s what bros do. Look out for other bros.
PUBLISHED IN MAXIM, August 2012, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
