Country music IS the devil's music. My roommate once played a whole set of country songs and Satan himself appeared before us.
But then he just begged us to switch those infernal sounds off.
True Story.
Anyway, I must have listened to a hundred country tracks. And that got me thinking.
Don't start applauding, I'm not done yet.
Country music has a pattern. A methodology of lyrics and sounds that sets it apart from normal people's music.
Listen to a couple of country tracks and you'll find that they either have:
A Dog
A ranch
A donkey
A woman who left him
A woman who died
Donkey / dog that left him.
Donkey / dog that died.
A woman who left with the dog on the donkey, and then died.
A cowboy with emotional problems
Paint these lyrics with Texan colours and you have yerself a hit, y'all.
Of course, you are allowed to bring other animals and objects into the song at your own discretion. I've taken the trouble to make a table for you so you can get your country theme going (proof that spending a long weekend out of the house is more constructive).
Just randomly pick from each of the columns for your own country hit!
Let me know what topics you've chosen by leaving a comment behind.
Once you've mixed and matched your options, you should have something like
"My cow bobby-joe makes me wear lace panties everyday in the barn, and that's why I cry"
That my friend, is the theme/title to your new hit country song.
From now on the words don't matter. You can keep repeating the same line over and over again but remember to intersperse it with some guitar TWANGS.
They can't be strums or cool guitar riffs.
They have to be twangs.
twang[twæŋ] n: a sharp ringing sound produced by plucking of a taut string producing an effect as if the guitar is pleading the musician to stop what he’s doing.
Ok we're done. You're a country professional. Don't worry if people say you ain't talented. Talent's got nothing to do with country music.
Once you've made your platinum records and won your award at the cowboy Grammies, you know who to thank.
In the beginning God created Adam. After some thought and a lot of tinkering he pulled out a rib from the poor sod and created a pretty little thing called Eve. Eve never really got Adam. Apart from the fact that he had weird looking body parts, his thinking was radically different.
Eve wanted to cover his poker with a fig leaf. He preferred going commando. She preferred eating forbidden apples. He liked kobé beef with a side of bacon and potatoes. And the way he looked at some of the sheep made Eve very insecure about her looks.
Which wasn’t Adam’s intention…but it’s just a case in point that there are some things about men that women will never understand. Never. Fast forward to the 21 century and things are pretty much the same. Read on and see.
Shopping isn’t therapy for men. Women have a million excuses to shop. A 50% off sale. A party to go to. A chipped nail. A break-up. Or even swine flu. Men have one reason. We need new clothes. And there are clear rules as to when clothes become old. The colour should have faded to another colour that isn’t cool. A rip in our pants, if, and only if those pants are not denim. Ripped denims are absolutely fine. Lucky shirts are not to be replaced under any circumstances. The food stains have memories to them. And the moth eaten holes add character. We won’t replace it. You can’t make us. Even if you withhold sex. Ok… perhaps you can.
Men understand the healing properties of beer. Beer is the elixir of life. Beer heals the broken heart, the broken bone and is the answer to the cure for cancer, given that our researchers have downed enough beer. The best remedy to a hang-over? More beer! It makes your cooking more palatable. It keeps the Vatican going. Beer is not just an alcoholic beverage. For men, it’s a food group. Just like doughnuts and spare-ribs. It’s the main reason my birds chirp and snakes move in the groovy way they do. Beer – there’s just no denying it.
We’re not always analysing our relationship. Sometimes it’s just fine for us to stare at the ceiling and not think about taking the next step in our relationship. You know that intense contemplative look we get when we’re looking into the deep abyss of nothingness? There are three possibilities to what might be going on there. We’re either sulking over the loss of our favourite team. Or, we’re passing gas. And the most plausible… WE’RE NOT THINKING ANYTHING. That’s what we do. We zone out to a happy place of absolute nothingness. It’s a gift. Think of it as beans induced meditation.
We’re always ready for sex. You wanna know what’s a clear sign that we want nookie? We’re breathing. That’s the sign. It’s ok to wake us up for sex at any time. Absolutely any time. Nine times out of ten, sex takes precedence over sleep. The other one time we’re just recovering from a romp. And to be honest... some of us are good to go again. We don’t need a reason, a place, a mood or the proper lightning. We’re understanding beings. Football’s on? No problemo. That’s why Kamasutra was invented. So we can twist our bodies in such unimaginable ways that we can enjoy two things at once. A lil footy and a lil nookie.
We don’t know what a conditioner is. Seriously. What the fuck is it? We just got around the shampoo bit. Lather, rinse, repeat… we get it. Now conditioner? What does it condition? Or let’s take a step back. What does condition even mean? Men don’t get it. I’m not even sure we want to. Is it like a primer? Or a glaze? You know how you baste the chicken with butter to make it all shiny. Perhaps that’s what it does. Truth be told – it’s a ploy. If you don’t see a conditioner on our shelves, it’s because we refuse to bow down to corporate marketing gimmicks. All we need is our trusted old deo that promised to get us the chiquitas.
We’ll watch porn no matter how much sex we’re getting. Here’s the thing. What women see as pornographic movies, men see as educational video aids. It’s almost like a distance learning course. We’re always in this constant state of learning, absorbing what’s new, and putting into practice. So what if the teachers happen to be mutli-award winning porn stars Jenna Jameson and Jenna Haze? You know that new move we bring to the bedroom? We didn’t read that stuff in Readers Digest. We leaned that from ‘XXX Men – The rise of Erecto Magnifico.
Our obsessions with breasts. What’s not to like? They’re magical! They’re like everyday Christmas presents. Perhaps that’s why we’re fixated with the things. One stupid apple in the beginning of time and they’ve been covered for all eternity. If you’re hiding them, they must be special. If women started wearing ear-muffs all the time, we’d start paying good money just to see pictures of their ears. A woman would cross you in the park, and you’d turn to your friend as say “Check out the lobes on that chick!”
Why we don’t stop to ask for directions. A debatable study says that men have a little extra iron deposited in their bodies. And like a compass, we’re supposed to have a pretty good sense of direction. Well, theoretically at least. But truth be told, asking for directions is a sign of weakness. Men are always fighting to be pack leaders. The rest are supposed to look to us for help and assistance. Not the other way around. We’re supposed to know where things are. Most of us can find the fridge and toilet in the dark. A restaurant half way across town can’t be all that tough.
Why we don’t remember important dates and things. Again, men are always in a constant state of learning. Like sponges, we’re constantly absorbing data, mostly to make our better halves happy. But nobody can hold an infinite amount of information. Something’s gotta give. Effectively, for every new bit that is processed, something old has to go. We learn the answer to “Am I pretty” and we forget the answer to “Am I fat”. We learn your mother’s name, we forget our anniversary. We remember to pick up milk, we forget the shout out the right name in bed. It’s simple mathematics and we can’t be blamed for it.
The need to control the remote is in our man genes. It’s not something that can be treated. It’s the law of nature. Women might not know the proper technique of speed- flipping during commercials. How to watch two programs at once. Or even the specific volume levels for each program. For example every man knows that Sex and the City can be best enjoyed when the volume is at 2. And Die Hard ... 88 or even 89. These things are built into our DNA. So let us do what we do best and hand over the remote.
Men appreciate beauty in the most unlikely of places. The neighbour who steps out for a jog in a tank-top. The yoga instructor in flat 24-c in desperate need of opaque curtains. The girl with a tongue stud at the check-out counter. Women might misunderstand our roving eyes for being inconsiderate. Insensitive. Some even go to the extent of saying we objectify them. Well, excuse us for applauding God’s handy work. Us looking around is just our way of giving him a spiritual high-5.
Violence = entertainment. Moviesabout a hooker falling in love with a billionaire is a no-no. One about a girl falling in love with a bat and a wolf is also a pass. We’re born hunters. Get us close to the action. Aliens. Helicopters exploding. Cars crashing. Aliens crashing helicopters into cars. All we need is a semi-decent plot, a couple of explosions, all sprinkled with the integral sex scene. Safe to say, we’re flexible on the plot part. A flick with anything less than a paper-cut is not likely to get the adrenaline pumping.
We don’t know why you’re angry. So stop walking around in a huff saying “you know what you did.” We just don’t remember. Was it that reference to your mother being Satan’s spawn? Did we mention your weight? Is today our 140 month anniversary. Just come out and say it, because we’re not lying when we say We Don’t Know. Asking us to figure it out will just have us apologising for ridiculous stuff. “Honey, I’m sorry I took you out to dinner. I apologise if that man didn’t know you were just a bit bloated and not expecting twins.”
PUBLISHED IN MAXIM, November 2011, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Everybody knows one of them. The Mr I- know- it- all- so- pass- me- my- wine- whilst- I- sip- on- it-with- my- pinky- finger- up. The guy who takes great efforts to never appear surprised. Well, here’s some trivia that’ll send the alcohol shooting right through his nostrils and onto his Spongebob tie.
1) Pluto is a planet.
It isn’t! I know what you’re thinking. WTF? Well apparently it’s a poser. A fake. Just like root beer, it can’t be trusted. So here’s the lowdown. One fine night when the bespectacled guys wielding telescopes were sitting around smoking the whacky tabbacky, one of them suddenly said “Wait a minute” Pluto, doesn’t make the cut. Now, Pluto is considered a dwarf planet and is part of something called the Kuiper Belt. But the whole thing is still debatable.
2) Porn stars don’t get camera shy
They do! Who would have thought? Sometimes it’s just hard in front of the camera. Not
literally. That’s why they have fluffers. Men and women who do what it takes to get the
actors ‘ready’ for the next shot. They’re usually armed with knee-pads and Listerine.
3) Cold showers and coffee will sober you up.
Shorry. Just like a relationship gone bad, only time will heal. According to credible sources (cough... google), it takes the body one hour to get the alcohol from one drink out of the body. Give a drunk a cuppa, and all your get is a wide awake drunk.
4) Eve offered an apple to Adam
She did send him down shit creek. But nowhere does it say in the bible that an apple was involved. All the book says is that it was ‘a’ fruit. It could have been a banana. Or an avocado. Or that smelly fruit you get in Bangkok.
5) Michael Jackson was a black man.
Well, we still love her music.
6) Size doesn’t matter
That’s what we keep telling ourselves, isn’t it? It’s what you do with it that counts. Well, the gifted don’t even have to try. They get it on like Donkey Kong without even trying. Not to discredit those of us who have our special moves, but could you really stand next to Moby over there and still feel confident?
7) Fire is the most important invention
Not even the wheel. Fermentation wins by a landslide. Alcohol – the solution to all of life’s problems. Except alcoholism and India’s dismal performance at hockey. But that’s still debatable.
8) The answer to “Do you think I’m fat?”
You’re wrong. Whatever your answer is, it’s wrong. Trust us; studies have proven that there is no possible right answer to this question. Replies like “No”, “Yes” and “Compared to what?” will all get you into some serious trouble.
9) Slaves built the pyramids
And you thought you knew your history. Nobody likes being whipped at work unless, that is, you have a really hot boss in leather. That’s why the Pharaohs hired people from around the area to help build the pyramids. Free men who couldn’t farm because of the flooding Nile. And they next best thing to do was lug stones around. True story.
10) Bats are blind
Apparently they see pretty darn good. Just not as well as humans. But they do use some form of sonar called echolocation when their eyesight fails them. So technically, the metaphor ‘as blind as a bat’ should actually be changed to ‘as visually impaired to some extent as a bat’.
11) Viking raped and pillaged
Get this... their average height was just around 5’7”. They weren’t all blonde. (Yes, Asterix did lie to us.) And these testosterone-packing, raping, pillaging beasts were mostly pussycats that were employed as farmers, craftsmen and traders. The Vikings that took the sea did pillage a little. But just a wee bit. And it was just one of their list of top ten things to do.
12) Lightening doesn’t strike twice in the same place.
It can. It does. Especially if there’s some sort of radio antenna perched up in a high place. So if you find yourself holding a metal rod on the EmpireState Building (it could happen), and you’re struck by lightening, drop the rod and run like the wind.
13) Women don’t pass gas
They do. It’s one of them Ninja farts. Nobody knows when or how it happened. Apparently someone in Mexico actually caught a woman farting on tape. But rumour has it that if you watch the tape, you get a call immediately, and then you die in seven days.
14) Beer doesn’t kill brain cells
So, there are these people get paid to study beer. Great job right? Anyway, the latest study was to analyse the effects of beer on the brain cells. Assuming that the magic drink did not hinder the judgement of the ‘analysers’, it turns out that beer DOES NOT kill the brain cells. It affects the nerve connectors between them. But no damage to the brain cells. For the most part. Sustained abuse though is a different story.
15) Hotel California is about devil worship
It’s not about Lucifer. It’s not about killing the prince of darkness. It’s not even about a freakin hotel. The not-so-cool interpretation? It’s about hedonism and greed in Southern California in the 70s. The Eagles enjoyed the money, cars and women and then proceeded to tell the world how bad it all was.
Published in Maxim, August 2010, All Rights Reserved
*Something I wrote for Maxim magazine a couple of months ago.*
Use post-its. Imprint them on your brain. Tattoo them on your body parts for all I care. Here is a list of dates that every guy should remember for the betterment of all mankind and possibly, world peace.
1)14th March - Steak and Blow job day
It’s what dreams are made of. Erotic dreams. Not the one about you showing up naked to work. Invented by Tom Birdsey, god bless his soul, this day has been dedicated to meat. Literally. It’s the perfect repartee to Valentine’s Day which, contrary to popular opinion, is not meant for lovers. Every intelligent guy knows Valentines was invented by women, for women only. Well, March 14th is ours.
2) 12th March / 13th June - World Naked Bike Ride Day
People are protesting. And they’re protesting in the best way possible. Through the forceful and persuasive means of nakedness. And it’s time we join them. Bare as much as you want. Hop on to your bicycle. And remember to wear a helmet. You don’t want to hurt something. By the way, just in case you’re interested, they’re protesting oil dependency.
3) Every woman’s birthday
Well not every woman. That’s plain ridiculous. But you’re wife’s/ girlfriend’s, her mothers, both grandmothers on her side and your side and all female relatives on her side. Hey, we don’t make up the rules. We just follow them.
4) 5th August - International Beer Day
This may lead to some confusion, because a lot of us think that every day is beer day. Either way, International Beer Day is the day celebrated in August when it’s still warm enough to enjoy an ice cold beer as opposed to the Oktoberfest. Ways to celebrate include drinking beer (check), drinking beer with friends (check), and buying beer for others (WTF, it’s beer day again?). Lastly, tradition states that you greet someone by handing them a beer and saying “I bring you the gift of beer (you cheap shit)’ whilst smiling.
5) Fall 2010 – Launch of PlayStation Move
Fall is what saner people call September. And that’s when Sony hits the retail outlets with its answer to the Nintendo Wii. With better graphic support and a remote that pretty much looks like a vibrator, it’s fun for the whole family!
6) December 21st 2012 – The End of Something
The acting in 2012 may have been hammy, but the movie wasn’t entirely baseless. The Mayan Calendar’s 5125 year cycle ends on that date. Various interpretations have been proposed, right from an apocalypse to the ushering in a ‘Golden Era’ of spiritual elevation. Whatever be the case, we’ve warned you. So grab your alcohol stash, head into your bunker and come out when things have settled down.
7) 11th June 2010 - The Football World Cup
The greatest tournament of them all – The FIFA World Cup. For one month 32 teams from 5 continents will battle it out for world supremacy. Right now, we we can’t find 11 players from our own country of a billion to cheer. So pick a team with the hottest fans, call the blokes over and crack open an ice-cold one.
8) June 2010 -Volkswagen Bugatti Veyron in India.
Or somewhere around June. Bugatti happens to be the world’s first car to reach crotch numbing speeds of 400kmph. And if that doesn’t hurt your nether regions, get this... this beast carries a price tag of around 8 Crore. That’s gotta pinch a little.
9) Her ‘Special’Date
AKA , the recurring monthly apocalypse. Know this date dear friend. Know it well. For it could spell the difference between life and death. Laughter and tears. All functional limbs vs broken ones. It’s vital to know when you need to shut up, stay out of the way and apologise at 30 second intervals for being alive.
10) 19th November - International Men’sDay
You said it! We finally get our due. Women get a day. Mothers get a day. Every dog has its day. Heck, we’re pretty sure that leprechauns have a day dedicated to themselves. But finally, someone out there has recognised the work we put there to make this world a better place. Regardless of the fact that the objective of Men’s Day is to promote gender equality and men’s health, we’re interpreting it the way we want to. ‘Honey, pass me the remote please. I think my naked butt is stuck to the couch.’
11) August 5th / Feb 9th – Underwear Day
It IS a national celebrated day. Perhaps not in our country. But still. The residents of New York and Brazil think it’s pretty damn important to step out in your underwear. And who better to lead the way, than underwear models. (You’ve got to love this planet.) Now if we can just get enough of us to sign a petition to start underwear day right here.
