PUBLISHED IN MAXIM, July 2011, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Spammers. The crazy guys that are trying to sell us a better sex life and a Rolex. It's perhaps one of the most stressful and difficult jobs on the planet. Right up there with air- traffic control guys and stool sample collector. First you've got to think of a catchy name to send the mail from.
Like Dr Longtime Love. Or Mum. A name that would pique the interest of the reader to check out the subject. The title of the mail then has to give the reader a little more to bite. Old-school spammers tried out the allure of money and sex with subjects like "lots of money - for free" or "free nude pics of Margaret Thatcher". But the new generation spammers have just lost the plot. In fact we've even got mails asking if we'd like to "increase our mortgage by two inches". Maybe it's the stress of coming up with novel ways to market whatever it is they're selling. Or maybe their weed dealer is short-changing them. Either ways, if you're ever having a bad day at work, or feel like doing weird things to your manhood / womanhood… CHECK YOUR SPAM. It's a goldmine of entertainment. Here are a couple of real spam subjects. Let's see what these schmucks are trying to tell us.
STIR UP A PASSION IN HER HEART WITH YOUR MAGIC WAND.
There's a small flaw here. You can't really stir with a wand. You can make a bunny appear though. But they'll just put you to shame with their humping techniques and that's not going to do anybody any good. Perhaps what they should have said was - Stir up a passion in her heart with your magic wooden ladle. Or make a good salad at least because there’s nothing like keeping yourself healthy while you’re doing nasty things with your
HUGE LOVEMAKER HAS BECOME UNBELIEVABLY REAL
These guy are working under the assumption that our love-maker wasn't real before. Like the tooth-fairy or insurance claims, it's a myth, The stuff that dreams are made of. Some men fantasize about owning a yacht. Other work hard towards getting their very own twinkie. The best part is, now your office won't have a problem with you touching yourself at your desk because, hey, it ain't there!
YOU'RE NEW JOYSTICK SCORES MORE
Here's where it gets a bit confusing. First they're telling us it's imaginary. And now they say he's playing a game down there. And something they're offering is going to help him win. Don't get us wrong, we want him to win. But it might help if we just knew what the hell he's playing. And what are the rules? Is it a team sport? Does he have to test for dope? There's a good ball joke here dying to be told… but we'll stay away from it.
GET YOUR ONLINE DOCTORATE IN MEDICINE NOW
Is this thing legit? If the internet guys do manage to give out doctorates...makes you wonder doesn't it. The guy standing over you with a scalpel... did he pass out of www.surgery-for-dummies.com? Why is the surgeon googling stuff on his phone? What does he mean his Bypass App ain't working?
DON'T WASTE YOUR LIFE WITH YOUR RIGHT HAND
Now just hold on a minute. What are they trying to say about righty? Is he not trust- worthy? It's the good-for-nothing hand? The one that mother warned us about? We can't really walk out on our right hand can we? Sure ol' lefty will always be by our side. But the other one's been there through good times and bad. Those days when we couldn't sleep. The times when 'she' has her scheduled headaches. Or when you saw those lesbians make-out at the club. Don't worry Mr. Right. You're number one in our books.
YOU HAVE INHERITED 150,000 DOLLARS
This one's a beauty, They mail you saying that there's this guy in Nigeria who died and his moolah has gone to the bank. And hello hello, he has the same surname as you. So it's really simple, all you have to do is send them some money as processing fees, your bank account details and they'll get the money out under the pretext that you're a long lost relative. And they'll split it with you of course... 50-50. Now let's analyse this. There's a dead Nigerian who has the same Indian surname as you. Sounds a wee bit fishy doesn't it. But Watambe and Maturdas are almost alike. Then he has a plan to get the money out. And all he needs is a little money and your bank account details. Fair enough. And he wants to split it 50-50. There you go. That's your clue that this is a rip-off. Who would want to split it. Now if he said 60-40 we would have probably gone ahead with it.
SUPERSIZE YOUR LITTLE BABYMAKER
We'd really wish they'd stop calling it little. Besides we make up for it with enthusiasm anyway. Moving on, what's nice here is the fast-food touch that they've incorporated. Yes, supersize it and a large coke with fries please. And take-away. We'd like to carry it around. You never know when the urge to make a baby might arise. When you're at immigration at the airport. Or when you're scuba-diving. Wham, you feel like making a
baby. No fear, the supersized procreator is here.
CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE JUST WON THE LOTTERY!
Yup, you have won 1 million dollars! So why don't you give us a couple of bucks so we can send the money to you. You know, because we spent all the cash we had organising the damn lottery thing. But congratulations once again. Ok, there's a simple formula here of figuring out whether this is a scam or not. Have you bought a lottery ticket lately? No? Chances are, you didn't win it then. Trust us, we ran the numbers and they keep coming
up with the same answers. You can't win the lottery if you didn't participate in the lottery. It's one of those freaky laws of nature. Go Figure.
HELP THIS POOR UKRAINIAN GIRL IF YOU HAVE A HEART.
This one doesn't solicit money but it just annoys the f@&* out of us. There's a girl. In Ukraine. And she has no shoes. And for every person you forward this mail to, Microsoft will donate one dollar to the Ukranian Girl Shoe Fund. Also known as UGSF (acronyms always do wonders.) Why would Bill Gates do that? What kind of crazy-assed diamond encrusted hi–tech shoes is he going to buy her? Does it have windows? Will it crash every half an hour so you have to upgrade to Shoe XP?
STRANGE HOT FACE BOOK GIRL WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND
You log in one fine day and Tatiana wants to be your friend. Tatiana - who's a D cup, showing her cleavage right down to her toes, wants to get to know you better. You accept and a couple of minutes later she's shoving links down your pants asking you check out her photos. First, wipe off the big L on your forehead. The hot Tatianas of the world are busy making movies like the Good, the Bad & the Horny and MegaGrind. She has no time to log on and add you, out of the blue, just because she's feeling a bit sociable today.
BY HAVING A BEAUTIFUL LUXURY DESIGNER REPLICA WATCH, YOUR
GIRLFRIEND WILL BE SURELY INCLINED TOWARDS YOU AT ONCE.
Note the words carefully. Designer replica watch. Not your ordinary replicas. Those are so 2010. We've got designer replicas these days. They take those fakes and make it look nothing like the original. Next, how did this woman become your girlfriend without already being inclined to you? Or perhaps she's straying from the path of exclusivity. And what better way to get her back then to go out there and wear a replica watch? Good-
looks, sensitivity and loads of cash are so over-rated.
GIVE YOUR LADY GODLY ACTION IN BED WITH YOUR NEW PECKER
Yeah... throw away your old pecker and give her some of that Zeus action. Lightening bolts, fire, kaboom... that sort of thing. Wonder what they do with all them old discarded peckers? Maybe there's a graveyard somewhere, just like how elephants have their secret graveyards, where old peckers go to rest. Poor guys. They give, and they give, and they give… and there's just no appreciation. The minute something bigger and better comes along, it's seeya later masturbator.
SEXY GIRLS WILL LOOK AT YOU DIFFERENTLY - THRILL HER MORE
EVERY NIGHT WITH BIGPENISENLARGEMENT.COM
One question. How would these sexy girls know that woody wooden pecker has now graduated into the big league? Do they have a radar to sense these things? Unless of course, they promise that it's gonna grow soooo big that it will hang below your pants sleeves. Do shoes come as triplets? Just wondering.