INVENTIONS WE CAN’T WAIT TO SEE

 Technology is moving at a pace faster than you can get your pants off in front of a naked woman. Things only imaginable in movies are already available to the public. Phones that at like your personal assistant. Porn at a click of a button.Dead celebrities coming back to perform as holograms. There’s nothing you can rule out as incredulous anymore. That’s why we’ve come up with our list of inventions that we can’t wait to see out there. And while they might seem bizarre, remember, this is the 21^st century and impossible has been rendered obsolete.

THE DREAM SEQUENCER

Another one on the Maxim wish list. Here’s how it’s supposed to work. You feed in what you would like your dreams to involve, broadly. While you drift into REM sleep, the sequencer takes over. In Maxim scientific terminology, the Dream Sequencer would then control the neurons effecting the neurotransmitter signals to the brain as well as other stuff that we’re too lazy to read off wiki. End result – we can dream all the sex stuff we want, on demand!  It’s your brain… anything goes. And if you’re still getting shot down by the office hottie in your own head, there’s no way we can help you. You agreed to the terms and conditions. No refunds.

 THE TELEPORTER

Nobody’s figured it out as yet, but you never know. While most people would waste one end of the teleporting machine by placing it at the work place, we think that’s a humungous waste of this precious gift. Why the hell would you want to get to work faster? We say place one end next to your bed. The other next to the fridge. Roll out, grab a beer, roll back in in. As long as you don’t merge with the beer on reverse teleportation, like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly. Although, on second thought, a guy-beer hybrid would be another cool idea. We should really patent this stuff before somebody else does.

THE TV GRABITECH

If you thought taping your favourite shows or forwarding through commercials was brilliant, the TV Grabitech will blow your mind. We were leaning towards the name ‘TV Grabber’, but Grabitech makes it sound like there’s some uber-cool technology involved. See something you like on TV – just grab it from the screen! Like what Nigella Lawson is cooking, grab a bite. Heck, you can grab Nigella if you like. Move the desk in front of ArnabGoswami to see if he’s really wearing pants behind there. Or simply flick Celine Dion’s forehead just to piss the shit outta her. Screw 3D. This is interactive TV at it’s best.

THE WOMAN INTERPRETER

Like ear-buds, they fit into your ears. And voila, it’s like we’re speaking the same language.  We’ll finally be able to understand what they’re saying. Especially when they say things like “Yes”, “No”, or “You don’t hang out with my friends enough.” Which, strangely enough, means, “I think we should get married.” The next time she sends you out to bring something from the store, you will come back with exactly what she wanted! Through the simple process of hearing, interpreting and executing. You can now say goodbye to ambiguity thanks to the Woman Interpreter. 

PORKUN

It’s only a matter of time till it happens. They already have a liger. But eating a mix of a lion and a tiger might get the PETA boys a little pissed off. So here’s the plan. Pork and mutton – porkun. And we’re pretty sure our geneticists can figure it out. Just get the pig and the sheep in the same room, barn, whatever. A few candles around. Some soft Barry White in the background. A little farm nookie and what do we get? The best of both meats all wrapped up in one freak of nature. Mmmmm… Kentuky Fried Porkun. Remember, you heard it here first.

THE INVISIBILITY CLOAK

 If you’re thinking of sneaking into the girls changing room, well… nyeh. Too clichéd. We’re thinking of turning it up a notch. We’re real men. We could get all the naked girls we want. But how about free gas at the pump, considering petrol costs as much as rocket fuel now. Or even when your girlfriend’s husband comes home.  No more roughing it out in the closet or risking the 20ft jump from the window with a boner. Just put on the invisibility cloak and waltz out after helping yourself to some of his beer.

THE DECISIONATOR

It’s your personal robot that comes back from the future to stop you from doing questionable things in the present. He could be just like the Terminator but without the Austrian accent. So you’re in a committed relationship, yet find yourself in a naked situation with another girl. The Decisionater comes back just in time and terminates your wife / girlfriend to make what you’re doing absolutely moral. Of course he could just pull you out of the compromising situation but that depends on what settings the Decisionator is on. Suppose you’re out with the gang and probably had too much to drink. Your favourite song comes up and you decide that you’re going to bust out the moves. The Decisionator would break your legs leaving you with your dignity. He’s like the best friend who you never have to pick up the tab for.

THE TORRENT FRIDGE

Sometimes you can buy the movie for free. And some people, we don’t know who these fiends are, download them for free through torrents. The Torrent fridge is the same thing, but with food. You want a rack of spare ribs? Do a search, and download one from the best source. Nobody likes them bootleg dishes. Depending on your Ingredient Service Provider, download speeds may vary. All you need to do is queue up food before you head to work. Come back to your fridge and tadaa! And be a good soul and leave your fridge on for others to download from. Preferably stocked with something that doesn’t have fuzzy stuff growing out of it and it’s own ecosystem.

THE BARRY WHITENER

Women love men who can sing. A great voice can pick up the slack of your looks. But not all of us have a voice that can melt a heart and undress a woman. That’s where the Barry Whitener comes in. It’s a small box that hangs around your neck with several options at your disposal. Need to have her swooning, hit the switch on to Barry White and let the sexual healing commence. And the best part is you can change the voice to your preference. Need to sound local? Turn it to Sonu Nigam. A voice that’s high on mushrooms? Set it to Anu Malik. Courting a young lesbian? Now you can sound like a teenage girl with the Bieber setting. With 120 voices available, you will be spoilt for choice.

THE PROXY THINNER

This nifty invention will be the end to our biggest nemesis. Exercise. It’s an armour of sorts that lets you exercise by proxy. Available in pairs, you and a willing buddy need to suit up simultaneously.  Next, while your pal runs around the block, building muscle and burning fat, you reap all the benefits. Off set the bacon you’re devouring by sending your best friend to the gym. What are friends for if they can’t gift you a sick pack and a few triceps while you help yourself to a burger? Choose your friends wisely just in case they ask for the favour to be returned. Remember, a friend with a treadmill is a friend indeed.

SIRIBRO

It’s an app on your phone that’s your own personal bro. Unlike apple’s Siri, this one will actually be able to understand what you’re saying and even perform voice commands! Crazy huh? But more importantly it will perform all the functions that a bro should. Sending a drunk text? SiriBro will filter it or defer sending it till the following morning. Wearing questionable clothes, the app will intervene with“ Bro, leave the bell bottoms back in the 70s”. Hitting on a friend’s girl? SiriBro, will taze the head that you’re thinking with. Because that’s what bros do. Look out for other bros.  

PUBLISHED IN MAXIM, August 2012, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.