Cinemagic

It’s like all the scriptwriters refer to the same book. Look up some formulae, put some of them together and voila. A movie.
Uno Problemo.
Too many scriptwriters, too few formulae.
Hence ladies and gentlemen, the origin of clichés.
I’ve documented some of these & titled them for your reading pleasure.

1) Dead Funny Guy
The comic relief in the horror/thriller movie has to die. Being a pseudo funny guy myself, I find this unfair. I hear ‘we’ don’t even get paid much. ‘You’ guys totally take us for granted and I’m calling for a strike of all funny people. Ok, back to the titles.

2) Dead Daddy Cop
Any cop, especially a retired one pulling out a photograph from his wallet that oh so lovingly portrays his wife and kids will be dead in the next 15 minutes. His partner of course will then get some nookie and later on avenge his death. Oh yeah, throw in an incompatible new partner for good measure.

3) Friggin Peekaboo Kitty
This one really bugs me. Horror / Thriller movies. Against all logic and reason, the soon-to-be-dead-person decides to SLOWLY look under the bed or in the closet.
Looking slowly… slowly… slooowlyy. Kapow! Kitty appears, brandishing her claws and meowing a lot.
Damn you kitty. Shouldn’t you be out getting some with the neighbour’s cat? Get a life. Or 9 of them.

4) I know how you died last summer
When the antagonist goes down, it has to be big. And you’ll know how it happens before it actually does.
If there’s a sharp object in the vicinity, he will get impaled on it.
If they’re on a building, he will fall off it
Budget permitting he will fall through a glass house, into a swimming pool.
Stricter budgets dictate that he will fall on a parked car.
If he’s a specialist at something, he will die at his own game. Evil bomb specialists will be bombed to glory. And killers with hockey masks will be beaten really badly at hockey and hence die of shame.

5) Blabbermouth Baddie
And oldie but goodie.
Tie up the good guy… but don’t kill him. That ain’t fun.
And besides, only 5 minutes of the movie are up.
So you tie him, devise a series of linked operations that will kill him eventually. But before that – reveal your evil plot.
Eg: Baddie ties goodie to a chair. Next to him a candle slowly burns a rope. When the rope burns, it releases an anvil that falls down on a small catapult that launches a knife into the air and cuts off the phone wire. Good guy’s mom walks in a week later and kills him herself for not calling her to find out how she is.
But BEFORE all that baddie says “ So Bruce, you thought you could catch me. Well, much before you die, I’m gonna kidnap the funny guy in this movie and kill him. Because hey, I hate funny guys. He’s gonna be home right now updating his blog, and I’ll sneak in through the window at 11:23 pm and poison his stash of Goan sausages in the fridge.”
Man, I love goan sausages. Mmmmmmm.

6) I’m so hot and there’s no one around to see it.
Hotties wearing skimpy outfits will travel in trains that will be devoid of an other passengers. Incredible as it is, just that one hottie is traveling. If it’s in a city, she will choose to walk down a deserted alley.
Better still, she will choose the shortcut through the park at 3 in the morning.
Why I ask you. You’ve gone through the trouble of swearing practically nothing. Move around places where there are tons of guys! Specifically - soon to be dead funny guys.

Have anymore, write in.
Ciao for now and all that jazz and stuff.