Tuesday, December 04, 2007

The Monk Moved Your Cheese

The hot shot Ferrari driving sonofagun stole it and sold it to the motor cycle repairman (some people like to call him a mechanic).
The motorcycle repairman, who of course, is a part time alchemist, turns the cheese into rum and coke. Because, hey, that’s the way he rolls ok?
I’m trying to make a point here. It’s just that I hate getting straight to it, because that takes the fun out of everything.


People are making money. Tons of it by writing self-help, spiritual books which are convoluted and which everyone claims to understand. And there’s no way I’m going to be left behind. So here’s a little preview of my book titled (drum roll please) “Stop touching yourself. Is that chocolate cake? And, giving yourself an enema, blindfolded – A guide to a better life”.

People will nod their heads in agreement. “Yes, that’s the book for me. Paulo was getting so literal.”

My book is going to be simple. To the point. And totally unrelated. Leave anything vague enough, and there are enough suckers out there to make sense of it.

For Example, there will be an FAQ page.
Problem: In an effort to try and please everyone, I find myself in situations where I just can’t say NO to people. This results in me being unhappy, stressed and with no time to myself”
Solution: Read the book, ‘Who moved my cheese?’ Substitute the word cheese with Beer. The fact that someone is moving your beer will get you pissed enough to beat the crap out of the next person who asks you for a favour. Also, the eagle that flies west is never around for thanks-giving.

See how I covered all bases there? If someone happens to sue me for wrongful advice, I can always say, Hey… didn’t I tell you about the eagle. Then I’ll do my evil laugh. Mooohahahahaha. Sometimes mistaken for a cow mating call, but that’s beside the point.

Somewhere in the middle I will break off into an analogical story. Monks, cheese, mice, alchemists, mechanics have already been taken. I’ve done some quick research ran a few numbers (always wanted to say that) and found out that the character that people are most likely to relate to, is a one-eyed, one legged pirate named Plank. First name Wokda.
The story HAS to relate to life, otherwise it’s just going to sound like one of em wannabe writers, busy blogging their frustrations out. You know the kind.

Anyway, the story will go something like this.
There’s this pirate. Wokda Plank. Who had a parrot called Polishi. Second name Tincrackers.
And this parrot had Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Which totally ruined the pirates clothes that he took the trouble to launder after every pilferage. But the pirate had patience. Oh boy he had patience. He warned the parrot once. Twice. Thrice. Each time thinking that the parrot will soon learn. But it was not to be.
Easter came. And Polishi squawked his last. Captain Wokda missed his tasty friend dearly, but what had to be done… had to be done.
What I am trying to say is, friends, aren’t we really all like that pirate?
Lost. Lonely. Emotionally handicapped. And with friends that have gas problems?
It’s really up to us to be in charge of our own lives. The only person that can make a difference to you , is you.
You don’t need to get your cheese back. Life may be a rat race, but screw the cheese. Find another food group. Don’t let monks intimidate you. Go out and find other wannabe monks who are selling their cars for a song. That way you can own a Ferrari and everybody goes home happy.
You decide how you can make YOUR life. Don’t let anybody else tell you how.

What do you think? Send me a cheque for 1000 bucks and I’ll courier you the whole book. Including the title and last page. First 5 customers will get a free CD – “Greatest *cough* Spaced Out *cough* Covers of the Millennium” including such hits like Annie’s Bong and Weed are the Champions.
Hurry!

12 comments:

Nikhil said...

Jonathan: Must say dude, ur blog simply left me amused... great work! Do keep at it! Can hardly wait to read the nxt one!

Jonathan said...

thanks Nick.

diya said...

Even I don't think much of these guys who mint money by telling people how to lead their lives.As for the folks who read the stuff and nod their heads gravely and say stuff like "how true, how true", actually what they need is a shrink. Most of the problems they are finding solutions for have been created by them.All they need to do is follow a simple formula -"just chill"!
I once heard of a guy who placed an ad in the papers that said- HURRY HURRY HURRY! LAST DAY FOR SENDING $100 IS 30TH NOV.
ONLY FIVE DAYS TO GO!
Send the money to PO Box no xxx
The guy collected a neat sum from the post box in five days proving that the world is indeed full of suckers, so best of luck the sale of your book!

Susegado Goemkar said...

Hey Cuz, I laughed a whole lot ... Must say you have improved, also must say I did not understand a thing you said. Just your stupid mug that kept popping on the screen to make me laugh. Ha! Ha! Ha!

iz said...

Is this a permanent come back or should i not bother commenting?

Jonathan said...

iz.. i don't get it. You just left a comment asking whther you should leave a comment.
Is this one of em trick questions???

Diya... are you secretly trying to tell me you want one of my books????

Richard... are you secretly trying to tell me that you're out of valium?

Anonymous said...

I am secretly trying to tell you...that i like your posts :)

Jonathan said...

Thank you Kasturi! But how exactly is this secretive?

Anonymous said...

Thats a secret...

amused bystander said...

Hey, came across from audacious. Like the way you write, but looks like the blog is on is way to getting fossilized write more often plz..we are blog twins..mines called intellectual rumination..says noting about my intellect, a lot about my gastronomical adventures.

diya said...

WAKE UP BROTHER YOU ARE TAGGED!!Sorry for the mess in my blog but you will have to find the tag in a tangle of links to my previous posts!don't mind the topics are very momma blogger kinds.

Anonymous said...

Jonny!! Ok so first I fell off my chair doubled up with laughter and comprehensively sealing my reputation as slightly psychotic HR tyrant..

Then since Im already prostrate decided to bow to your wit, command over english and overall studly pao-ness...

FUNNIEST THING EVER!!! sent the link to ALL my friends...sweet I am no?

Now send me that book copy.....and go make me a sandwich!!!